Diaries of a Twenty-Something Go Go Dancer

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2010-04-24T16:08:00.003-04:00

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new books for the new year

2010-01-10T16:52:00.000-05:00

We have new books and materials for the three small groups I've been participating in for the last year or so. In the woman's bible study group we'll be going through Beth Moore's updated and revised Breaking Free. I have several friends who studied the original Breaking Free and every single person had wonderful things to say about the study and just about everyone said they would want to do the study again. I am expecting good things to come from this study on what it means to live free from bondage and strongholds; and it's based in the book of Isaiah, which is one of my favorites.

The Artist's Way group will be using Janice Elsheimer's The Creative Call: An Artist's Response to the Way of the Spirit. I was happy to find this book online after doing some searching for a book like this. I was hoping we could find a book that is similar to Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way but written from the perspective of a Christian artist who liked to reference the Bible whenever possible. The introduction explained that she read and participated in Cameron's book and was greatly helped by it, but felt a calling to write a book like The Artist's Way for Christians. It is her goal to encourage artistic Christians to grow closer to God through their gifts and stresses that our gifts are not from God to us, but from God through us to the world. I do like The Artist's Way and it's helpful to a point, but I kept resisting a lot of what it had to say or I felt as if it only could go so far. The real battle is spiritual anyway. It only makes vague references to "The Creator" or a higher power and she apologizes for using the word God because it might sound Christian. I just felt it was more focused on self-glorification through artistic expression, with the help of some vaguely defined divinity or "The Universe", rather than on how artistic gifts are rightly used to glorify God, not ourselves. I hope this next book works out. It may be written in the wake of The Artist's Way, but I think it may have a much better focus. The title, reface and introduction all seem to be pointed in the right direction.

The Arts and Culture Review group--which we are just starting up or re-starting as an off-shoot of the Mars Hill Audio Journal review group--will be viewing and discussing Kieslowski's Dekalog. "It consists of ten one-hour films, each of which represents one of the Ten Commandments and explores possible meanings of the commandment—often ambiguous or contradictory—within a fictional story set in modern Poland." (The Wikipedia) The first film on the first commandment was excellent so I'm looking forward to the films to come. In addition to this we've found a film series that will be held at UMMA called Dekalog po Dekalogu: the Decalogue after the Decalogue. It is somehow related to or a reinterpretation of the original Dekalog project. I don't know if this will be good. I'll go to the first session and see how it goes.

Other books:

I want to revisit The Beginning of Wisdom at some point, the in-depth commentary on Genesis written by Leon Kass, but I need to be a person who likes to read a lot more than I currently read. The group that met at the Vineyard studied Genesis using this book last winter, but we stopped just before the Abrahamic covenant (Genesis 12). It would be great if we could cover at least the next section of Genesis, maybe chapters 12-25. Yes, I know. I have had the book this whole time and I only studied one additional chapter, but it's just not as much fun doing this alone. I studied chapter 12 and didn't have anyone to talk about it with, so I felt unmotivated to continue. the excuses...

Refractions: A Journey of Faith, Art and Culture by Makoto Fujimura is such a beautiful book. Every chapter has something beautiful to say about art and faith. I'm slowly working my way through the chapters.

I'd like to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, because I think it would be hilarious, but then I keep thinking there are so many serious books that I should be reading. I should be spending my reading time on more respectable pursuits. There are reports that a film is in the works. Clearly, I need to read the book in preparation for the film. Natalie Portman will star in and produce “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” a film that is based on the bestselling book written by Seth Grahame-Smith and Austen. Lionsgate will finance and distribute. (Variety)

Here's the first few lines of the book. It's just like Pride and Prejudice, but there are zombies.

The books that I buy at airports because I love making impulse literary purchases at airports but then I never actually read more than a chapter or two of them:

The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis: I do want to read this, it just seems to require my brains, which I seem to have lost in the most recent zombie attack at Windemere Park.

I had been thinking about the idea of the weight of glory for awhile and thought maybe C.S. Lewis had something to say about it because it's the title of the book. I also remember the passage from Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis: "The Hebrew word for glory here is kavod, which means weight or significance. The whole earth is full of the weight and significance of who God is. The prophets were deeply influenced by this understanding that the earth is drenched with the presence of God." (p. 78) I always think kavod when people start talking about glory. And I think I felt this in a very real way at a worship event a few months ago when I felt this profound weight all over me when we were singing Glory in the Highest.

The Inferno by Dante Alighieri: I read this in college. I was going to attempt to re-read this but I lost interest or got too busy or was haunted by memories of my UofM Dante class. I had a wonderful professor. She was extremely smart, but also really mean. She graded one of my papers once and she looked at me like I was an idiot as she handed the paper back to me and said something not nice that I can't quite recall at the moment. I think I referenced something from another history class I had at the time that seemed to relate and the class was taught by her husband (not that I said anything about the husband part in the paper)....anyway, she looked at me like I made it all up, like I was nuts. And I got like a C or something. The paper was all marked up in red and she criticized almost all of my prepositions. I was convinced I knew nothing about English prepositions or Dante or how to take a interdisciplinary approach to college. I survived the class, but only because graduate students and zombies did most of the grading.

Books I will never read:

Twilight. I will not read the books or watch the films. I cannot wait for the fad to be over. How good can a love story be with a blood sucking vampire? Ridiculousness. Now a love story with a zombie? That's clearly on another level.

Mid Winter Movies

2009-12-31T13:02:00.016-05:00

I will share a few thoughts about the movies I watched over this midwinter and Christmas break, but first I will attempt to combine all of the movie titles and a few of the characters in one crazy paragraph.

My Enchanted Avatar flew Up in the Air and found that Love Actually is all around. Elf had The Hangover of a lifetime after having way too many drunken candy canes with the Ghost of Christmas Present. Sherlock helped Julie solve the mystery of Julia's Boeuf Bourguignon just before he attended a rugby match with Nelson Mandela. The lobsters, octopi and goats that were obviously all present at the birth of Jesus wrote a Proposal requesting that all copies of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice be destroyed or deported to Canada. They included the poem Invictus to help explain their feelings after being forced to watch all 300 minutes.

Avatar

Avatar is a beautifully executed tale of intergalactic and inter-specie adventuring with a very green message. It's about humans from the future who fly around in space ships and then genetically disguise themselves as tall blue people in order to obtain some unobtanium from planet Pandora. In the future they have not abolished greedy people who like to blow things up. One of the humans, Jake, learns the ways of the tall blue tree people, the Omaticaya clan of the Na'vi, and decides it's a better way of life. When he arrived and met some of the Na'vi, he was allowed to live and learn the ways of the Omaticaya, because Neytiri was given a sign from Eywa via the Tree of Souls, the most sacred of all the trees. Neytiri was about to kill him when he was covered by the seeds of the Tree of Souls. Jake learns how to tame a banshee and then mates in the forest with Neytiri under the magical ancestral Tree of Voices. Soon the greedy people destroy Hometree. Jake's loyalties are questioned. Jake tames the most dominant banshee of all the banshees to show how mighty he is and then unites all the tribes and clans of Pandora. He asks for some help from Eywa at the Tree of Souls. The greedy people are defeated by the Na'vi in an epic battle scene. Eywa decides to help. Jake is allowed to stay and he becomes fully Na'vi.

Moral of the story: Pandora is where music comes from. I like Neytiri's passion and hunting and forest skills. People say it's just like Ferngully. I only have vague memories of Ferngully, but I agree.

Up in the Air

George Clooney plays a traveling businessman who flies around the country firing and laying off people. He remains as detached as possible from any sort of meaningful relationships in which he isn't calling the shots and he even teaches seminars on how to live this non-committal lifestyle. He wins an award for reaching 10 million frequent flier miles, but by this point in the film he starts longing for real connections with people and his lifetime goal of reaching 10 million miles is not as thrilling as he had hoped.

Enchanted

Moral of the story: True love's kiss is the most powerful thing in the world. It can even defeat a jealous step mother's rage. Happily ever after does exist, but it may be with someone different than you had expected. And going to a ball wearing a beautiful dress is an excellent way to move the plot forward. Be ware of very shiny red apples and evil step mothers who can transform themselves into old ladies and dragons.

Sherlock Holmes

I thought it was going to be a musical. I'm not sure where I got that idea. I was waiting for the opening musical number with Robert Downey Jr., but it never happened. There were lots of bloody fight scenes and dark magic scenes. They didn't make time for even one song. It would have been much better as a musical. Nevertheless, Mr. Downey made an excellent Sherlock Holmes. And Jude Law, as Watson, was dashing as always. The real bad guy who was behind the scenes, Professor Moriarty, was alive at the end of the film which means we should expect a sequel and if they know what they are doing, they should replace all of the really bloody fight scenes with singing and dancing.

Pride and Prejudice - the long version

My roommate and I tried watching this. We could only take about 15 minutes of it. It's terrible and the actors are very unattractive. I won't post a picture for this film. Almost all of the lines are delivered poorly. The cinematography is insipid. No one should ever watch the 1995 BBC version. It should be banned. If a viewing of Pride and Prejudice is attempted, one must watch the 2005 version with Keira Knightly.

The Proposal

Basically, it's an updated, yet refreshing, remake of While You Were Sleeping. Sandra Bullock has a knack for finding herself in awkward, false engagements that somehow turn into true love. Sandra plays a successful Canadienne living in New York. She blackmails her very cute male assistant to marry her so that she will not be deported to Canadia. While visiting his family in Alaska, they fall in love for real. It's really quite funny and cute.

Julie and Julia

After I watched this I was briefly inspired to make an extremely complicated French dish like the Boeuf Bourguignon, a souffle or maybe even Ile Flottante. Meryl Streep proves once again that she can play any character.

Moral: Butter makes everything better. It's true.

Invictus

The violent sport of rugby helps unite a nation. As I watched the rugby scenes I decided that if I'm ever on Inside the Actors Studio and James Lipton asks me "What profession would you least like to attempt?" I would say "Rugby."

The title is taken from the poem by William Ernest Henley that helped Nelson Mandela get through the tough times in prison. The poem is clearly about the perils of rugby.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

The Hangover

I only watched this in part. It was really stupid. Sometimes it was so strange and stupid it became funny. Still, not a proud moment for humanity, though it had its moments.

Love Actually

This was a sort of collage of 8 love stories. It claims to be the ultimate romantic comedy. Maybe. Not sure about that. It certainly has a great quantity of love stories, each one unique. The relationships are interconnected in a very complicated way, as depicted here in the official Love Actually flow chart. The opening thesis statement of the film "Love actually is all around" seems to be true. I'm not sure why the film made the argument that there were lobsters and octopi at the birth of Jesus, but it was really funny. I will have to think about the deeper hidden metaphor. This was probably meant to show the universality of Romans 8:19.

That's most of the movies I saw over the last 10 days or so. I also watched Elf, The Muppets Christmas Carol, White Christmas, The Wizard of Oz, Annie and Father of the Bride. Why watch so many movies? The verb is watch. I didn't actually do anything. Well, I did do some things, but I could have done more. I feel a little guilty. I feel like it means my life is not engaging enough as it is, so I have to escape to the movies. See Don Miller's thoughts somewhere in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. He talks about living a good story and not just watching them in movies and on tv. If I were truly doing the things I should be doing and living a good story, then I wouldn't have to watch movies. Of course, taking in stories is not exactly anti-productive, but reading is a much better mental activity. Still, if I have time to watch so many movies, I probably have time to read more, practice an instrument, help people, learn or re-learn a language, learn how to write more interesting sentences and stuff. Still, going into the Christmas break, my plan was to watch a lot of movies, catch up on sleep, organize my closet and workout. I did these things, but if someone were to make a movie about it, it probably would not be very exciting. They do have shows about organizing closets and people do watch those shows. I also learned how to make goat cheese this week. This is something I was curious about because I use it all the time now. I did not actually make goat cheese, but now I have the general idea if I ever feel so inspired to buy a goat, be a shepherdess and live on goat cheese time.

A Little Italy

2009-11-16T18:03:00.007-05:00

My plans to move to a far away land have been temporarily delayed, or maybe forever delayed. I took the foreign service exam and then I did not pass. I have no idea why I didn't pass. They do not release your score. They just email a letter telling you know if you qualified for the next round of questioning. I felt as if I had passed the test, but apparently not. It's kind of mysterious. My friend, who passed the bar and is a lawyer, did not pass either, nor did someone else she knew. I guess it's more difficult than I thought. It didn't seem that difficult at the time. I am undecided about whether I will take it again. I wanted to be sent to Rome or just about anywhere in western Europe, preferably Rome.

This leaves me in Ann Arbor. Actually, this leaves me in Ypsilanti. : ( I have tried living in Ypsilanti and I just can't do it any longer. It's bad for my health. I don't care if rent is cheaper. I have to drive forever to do anything I like to do. I have to drive 10 miles to get decent coffee. I feel like I'm living in the middle of nowhere. And the distance from nowhere to somewhere is about 500 potholes and 15 lights. I also miss the luxuries which I believe are necessities: my own bathroom and a spacious walk-in closet....and vaulted ceilings, to be honest. Seriously, the acoustical effects in a room with vaulted ceilings are just so much nicer.

I never wanted to leave nice quiet gentrified and yuppified northeast Ann Arbor, but I definitely need a roommate to be able to afford to live there. I thought I'd never find someone in any short period of time, but the next day (the day following my official rejection letter), a friend of mine emailed me and asked if I knew of someone looking to move to that area. She even specified the specific apartment community that I wanted to live in. Long story short, I'm moving in a couple weeks to a wonderful new apartment with vaulted ceilings and I'm paying even less than I thought possible for an apartment like this. We picked the paint colors and the nice people will paint everything before we move in. Alexandria beige. Rosemary green. Amazon soil. I think my dream job would be to be the person who invents the names for paint colors.

I'm really looking forward to moving. My new roommate even has similar taste in decorating and she's planning a trip to Italy in February. I just might have to tag along. : ) I haven't been to Italy since something like 2003. It's time to go back. She specifically wants to go to Capri, which I love. I went there in 2000 and haven't been back since. And we are having a wine and cheese tasting party as soon as we get settled in.

I've moved so many times....it's exhausting. I wish I didn't have to move so often, but things happen. It would be nice to feel more settled. I think this next move will be the best situation yet.

Electra

2009-11-14T06:32:00.010-05:00

I am reporting from Electra, not the star, but my newly christened computer. I think that's what I'm naming my new super computer. I have an explanation. I went to see Amelia, not Amelie, but Amelia, the biopic about Amelia Earhart, while the Geek Squad optimized my computer. The Lockheed Electra was Amelia's airplane of choice, suitable for flying around the world. It was silver, sleek, powerful and built for adventure, just like my Sony Vaio. I can't pretend my Vaio is a MacBook Pro, but why compare apples and oranges? I think there is a hidden pun there. : ) It is fabulous and it just burned a CD with nearly 5 hours of audio in about 2 blinks. I won't bore you with the technical details of its fabulousness, but just know that it is as powerful as it is beautiful.

My new Visual Audio Intelligence Organiser machine is very pretty, which is key. I've shopped for a new computer for awhile now and I could not bring myself to buy anything that did not have a certain streamlined, modern aesthetic. Most computers are not pretty. I suppose the Dell Adamo is comparable, but that's priced nearly twice what I paid for Electra. If you are going to spend the money on an Adamo, then you might as well get a MacBook Pro. This picture does not do her justice. (See the website link for better pictures) Yes, I've decided Electra is probably a she.

Foreign Relations

2009-09-16T23:56:00.012-04:00

I don't know what I think anymore about writing personal blogs. It's one thing to write about a specific topic that may be useful to someone, but it's another thing to ramble on endlessly about oneself. I can do that in a journal with my fancy Montblanc pen and all my thoughts will remain safe and off the grid. What motivates this? To be known but in a nearly anonymous way, unless you know your friends are reading. I used to write blogs more often. It actually was a good way of keeping track of things. But why must it be online? Because I am much more motivated to write if I know it will instantly be online. The possibility that someone will read it is created. If I just save it to a document somewhere, it feels dead and disconnected. And for some odd reason I think something more fully exists if it carries this dual nature and also exists online. Some people are paranoid about posting their thoughts online. How personal can something really be though? If one person is thinking or experiencing it, than there are thousands, perhaps millions of people who have felt or thought the same thing. That said, it is wise to be discreet, especially if you are pursuing certain careers. As I am applying to the foreign service, I've thought I should go back and delete any sort of online entry that shows weakness. I'm not sure how serious I am about this. I mean going abroad and joining the foreign service. I want to get out of town for awhile and travel. I miss traveling and I'm fairly bored right now. Maybe bored isn't the right word. Just frustrated with life maybe. Then I think, I probably shouldn't be saying that. It won't look good during the in depth security clearance. I won't look driven enough. I just want to pass the test, then we'll see what happens after that. Some people say it's easy and some have said it's the ultimate "smart guy test." I kind of take offense to this expression. If you said, "It's the ultimate smart girl test," it means something completely different or not much at all. I just want to take it, pass it and prove that I've retained some knowledge from my very expensive education and that my brain still works. A fairly substantive part of the test relies on English expression. Easy. I looked at a few examples of the "Job Knowledge" portion of the exam. I mysteriously knew what the Monroe act, decree or what have you, of 1823 was and what that means for Latin America today because I vaguely remember giving a report on President Monroe in 5th grade. I have AP US History to thank as well. A false sense of comfort? Yes, I think so. Yet I'm concerned because I've read about people who study for an entire year for this. I plan to study for two weeks, maybe. Possible weak areas: I never took Stat 101, Macro Econ or Poli Sci in college. Art, Linguistics, Film, Italian seemed so much more important at the time, and they still do. I plan to read the annotated constitution and all of the amendments. I recently brushed up on the first 100 years of American History. I should probably keep going. With all that said, there's only so much one can study for something like this. Either you know it or you don't. And I think if I am supposed to pass it, I'll pass it. Either way, I think taking tests like this is fun. If not, there's something else I'm supposed to be doing. Something mysterious which I must climb to the top of a mountain to discover, but the secret to my destiny will only be revealed after mastering several ninja moves. I do think it would be a respectable adventure, joining the foreign service or the aforementioned mountaintop ninja quest. It would be exciting, working in a far off land somewhere over the rainbow.

Desire

2009-08-28T12:08:00.003-04:00

I will return to this post when I feel inspired.

A blog will soon appear in this space covering my notes and reactions to the Beth Moore simulcast that I attended this past weekend.

The entire 2 day event covered Psalm 37. I found the topic of this event very interesting because it is this passage in particular I decided to not think about anymore. It may be true for some people, but not me. This used to be one of my favorite verses, but then I wasn't sure I could believe this any longer.

Do not fret because of evil men

or be envious of those who do wrong;

for like the grass they will soon wither,

like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret—it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off,

but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

Living with 100 Cows

2009-08-09T00:46:00.009-04:00

I haven't written a real blog in a long time. Not that this is a real blog. This is a fake blog. This is me a little buzzed from eating lots of sugary treats and coffee mixed with Godiva and Kahlua. I've decided that by the time I finish writing this blog I will know what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm pretty bored right now. Not at the moment, but in general. I hate to admit how bored I am, because I've heard that only boring people get bored and I do not want to be one of the boring people. But if I don't find out what I actually have to contribute to life on earth, than I will be one of the boring people. And if I don't find out what it is I'm actually good at and enjoy doing, than I will be tortured the rest of my life doing boring paperwork and dealing with mean people who yell at each other in abusive ways all day long. The crazy thing is I did have a vision of working where I work now about two years before I started working there. I remember it distinctly. The location, the general size of the office and profiles of some of the people I work with. I remember times before I ever even interviewed for the position when I saw them around Ann Arbor, but at the time I had no idea why they seemed so familiar or I felt drawn to them. But I can't possibly be sentenced to work there for the rest of my life and I am puzzled about what the next thing is. A vision of what the next thing is seems out of reach. Maybe I am just not listening the right way or doing what I need to d, or I still haven't learned whatever it is I'm supposed to learn at this phase. Whatever it is, I find it difficult to effect change in my life. And of course I know the old adage. It's insanity to keep doing the same thing and expect different results. But that sort of conflicts with trusting God, when you feel that all you know what to in a situation is trust and wait on the Lord. It's quite possible that I've already found my métier** but I am just too afraid to actually go for it. And that happened so long ago or so many times, that I've forgotten about it.

Before a tidal wave of exciting change happens in my life, I have to do something about the boredom. Tonight I spoke with someone who is a master in reiki therapy. I thought I might try a session and maybe even take classes because I have had reiki type experiences praying for people but I need to develop this more. I also need to find a guitar teacher that I will see regularly and this will cause me to practice on a regular basis. I haven't been practicing at all. I found a yoga/pilates/cycling studio in Ypsi. I need to check it out and start going there. I should read more. I read C.S. Lewis' Out of the Silent Planet and Perelandra. They are both wonderful. I probably should just keep reading C.S. Lewis because I find most other authors uninteresting. I might try going to the chiropraxy and maybe even a dentist. I'd love to travel more, but everything I want to do is so expensive.

Grad school..... I have no idea what to do about this. It seems that all of my friends who have jobs that they actually like have been to grad school. I am not sure what particular subject I would want to study for the rest of my life. I'd rather have a family to be honest. Then again, maybe I don't even know what I want or what is good for me. And these things are not mutually exclusive.

I can't do anything about the complete lack of romance in my life. I think joining sites like eHarmony or Match would be an act of desperation. If I'm still single when I'm 30, then maybe I will consider it. That is, if I haven't spontaneously combusted by that point, which is a very real possibility. I really don't understand how one can enjoy life fully without some romance involved. The billions of galaxies, the solar system, subatomic particles, music and earth all seem pointless without love and relationships.

There are 100 ceramic cows in my kitchen. I did not put them there, but they are there. I just had to say something about this. Okay, maybe it's not quite 100, but there are a lot. And I think they reproduce at night and make more ceramic cows. I just moved to Depot Town and I share the kitchen with 100 cows: some are in ceramic form, some live on the towels.

At this point, I still think I'd like to work for UofM. I applied to a couple positions, but never heard anything. I guess the only thing I can do is keep looking and applying for jobs at UofM. Even if I did start Grad School in the near future, I wouldn't be able to start until January.

**I'm allowed to use this super fancy word because it's the word of the day.

Vienna Teng

2009-04-15T08:21:00.009-04:00

Vienna Teng played at The Ark this Wednesday and this proves that the universe still has potential in it for good. I love The Ark. I think I've mentioned this before with very similar words. It feels like my living room except that some of the most interesting musicians keep visiting and performing brilliant original music. Ben Sollee opened for Vienna. He plays a mean cello and sings. He made the cello do things I never imagined a cello could do. After his opening, I could have left satisfied for the evening; this is rare for any opening act. This was much better live, but here is Ben Sollee singing "How to see the Sunrise."

I think the test of a good singer-songwriter is their ability to resonate with those inaudible emotions, almost unspeakable thoughts. I like the way the San Francisco Chronicle describes Vienna's music: "Her songs are like dreams: images are only partly articulated, but the emotions they recall are fully realized."

Vienna often spoke of her songs having a life of their own. She didn't want to write or sing certain songs, but she said it was as if they wanted to exist. Here are two songs that I am quite fond of.

Blue Caravan
blue blue caravan, winding down to the valley of lights. my true love is a man who would hold me for ten thousand nights. in the wild wild wailing of wind, he's a house 'neath a soft yellow moon. so blue blue caravan, won't you carry me down to him soon.

blue blue caravan, won't you drive away all of these tears. for my true love is a man that I haven't seen in years. he said "go where you have to, for I belong to you until my dying day." so like a fool, blue caravan, I believed him and I walked away.

oh my blue blue caravan, the highway is my great wall. for my true love is a man who never existed at all. oh he was a beautiful fiction I invented to keep out the cold. but now, my blue blue caravan, I can feel my heart growing old.

Antebellum
In the fall, We circle through the leaves and talk about the little ones.
And we smile, but never say too much. The moment always vanishing.
One by one the neighbors' lights come on. Our October day is almost gone.

I know the border lines we drew between us
Keep the weapons down, Keep the wounded safe;
I know our antebellum innocence was never meant to see the light
of our armistice day.

In the spring, We climbed the rolling hills and talked about our budding plans.
And we smiled, Our faces like a mirror showing us our secret sides.
But then the fights...
The sharp words splintering the night, How I couldn't be what you'd need...
But oh how I could make you bleed...

I know the border lines we drew between us
Keep the weapons down, Keep the wounded safe;
I know our antebellum innocence was never meant to see the light of our armistice.
But how much would I give to have it back again?
How much did we lose to live this way?

You'll go home...I'll stay here
Seasons keep on marching
I'll stay here...You'll go home
With only strangers watching

Lamentations

2009-04-12T20:25:00.033-04:00

The idea of writing a blog called lamentations has been on my mind for several weeks. I just kept having the thought 'around April 12th and the title will be Lamentations'. However, it seems wrong to write about lamentations on Easter. I dismissed the idea as just another attempt on my part to complain, as opposed to it being something necessary and good. So we'll see. I am writing it for better or worse.

Yesterday I felt like checking in on the Mars Hill podcast to see what the recent sermons were about. It's pretty helpful that the two most recent podcasts were on Lamentations. (I only listen to Rob Bell and Ed Dobson. There might have been a sermon by someone else given in between, but those don't count.) And so I listened to them yesterday and now I have a renewed understanding of what it means to lament and I feel even more compelled to write about lamenting. It is not simply complaining and whining. Because, I know. It's not fun or beneficial to read about someone complaining about stuff. We are all good enough at that on our own.

I like the way Kathleen O'Connor explains what it means to lament in her book Lamentations and the Tears of the World.

"Lamentation names what is wrong, what is out of order in God's world, what keeps human beings from thriving in all their creative potential. Simple acts of lament expose these conditions, name them, open them to grief and anger, and make them visible for remedy."

"In its complaint, anger, and grief lamentation protests conditions that prevent human thriving and this resistance may finally prepare the way for healing."

Rob Bell adds "There is lament that is grief and tears. There is also lament that is protest and resistance. When we don’t lament things that need to be lamented, when we stay silent in the face of things that need to be protested and resisted, it always leads to a form of despair..."

The Book of Lamentations is actually about the pain of Jerusalem in 500 B.C. just after its destruction. To be funny and continue his tradition of being a dynamic speaker of things, Rob Bell read two modern day letters of lament about the conditions on airplanes. The famous 29E letter and another one about food. He praised these letters as a form of resistance poetry. They did not stay quiet, but turned something negative into something strangely empowering and full of life. Read the letters. They are hilarious.

In early February, we were in Grand Rapids for a conference. I asked my friend Joan for a few free minutes to lament. She graciously allowed for this. We were in the hotel room and the radio was tuned to an oldies or Motown station. And pretty soon my little lamentation session had a soundtrack. For a few minutes, all of the songs were so well matched to my laments about life and love. I can't remember the songs now, but she noticed that they kept matching what I was talking about. So then I said "Ok, I am going to change my tone about this and and let's just say it's going to work out and we'll see what the music does." The music changed quite dramatically. In just a moment, it went from songs of lament about losing love to some of the sexiest jazz instrumental music I've ever heard.

I know it's a little silly, but I felt like I was being heard. I know we can read our story into just about any song on the radio, but this felt a little different. The place, the moment, the conversation and then how the music changed as I decided to change my words and add a little hope into the mix. The night before, one of the things someone said to me in prayer was that God hears the cries of my heart. I knew what that meant. My first reaction was "Well yeah of course He does, but what is He going to do about it! What is the point, if He doesn't do something." Of course, I didn't say that to the nice lady. And I also recalled that another person at the conference said I needed to somehow verbalize what I wanted to a close friend that weekend. Just to get it out and clarify.

I don't remember everything I said that morning. It went something like "2 Freaking Years! No dates. No kissing! No romance. Did I mention no kissing in 2 years!! You can't live like this. Who can live like this? Is this some kind of strange torture? Am I being punished for something? I am pretty sure I've been listening to God. And I did not sign up to be a nun." Something to that effect. There was a little more substance and range, but that's the gist of it. Then we noticed the music kept matching the themes I was talking about. That's when I decided to change my tone and say that maybe it is going to work out. And then the sexy jazz music started playing. : )

What does that mean? I can't say for sure other than I feel reassured that things won't be like this forever. I was reminded today that God doesn't promise us certainty. He often undermines our sense of certainty so we trust in Him and follow His voice, which is far better anyway. Because humans can't be trusted with certainty. We misuse it, especially in the context of faith. We either become fundamentalist or go the other extreme and have a weak spineless sort of faith that is more about doubt than trust.

From Lamentations 3

I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him

What I did on my Stay-cation

2009-04-10T21:27:00.010-04:00

I tried to do interested things that didn't cost very much money. I would have liked to travel somewhere, but alas, I don't have extra money for luxury vacations. I kept trying to plan trips to New York, Jamaica or anywhere with a nice beach, but everything ended up being too expensive, especially for a solo traveler. To be clever, I have included references to geographic locations that loosely pertain to what I did, but in reality, I never left Ann Arbor aside from a short excursion to Toledo.

Rome

It began on April 3rd with the film L'Orchestra di Piazza Vittorio and I even found two people who wanted to go with me, Adam and Jim. I enjoyed the fact that on old professor I had freshman year for the "History of Jewish Civilization" gave a short lecture to introduce the film. The film documents the formation of a multi-ethnic orchestra of immigrants who live in and around Rome. It just made me happy because I kept thinking, "These people could be at war and fighting, but no, they are making music." It reminds me a little of Yo Yo Ma's Silk Road project, but a lot more grass roots.

Ireland

Then we headed over to Ashley's and I had a perry because that is one of the safest gluten-free options at a pub. After some lengthy discussions on life, we had breakfast at midnight at the Fleetwood. It is just something you have to do because it's the best hole in the wall 24-hour diner in Ann Arbor. My patronage to this fine institution was long overdue. And I was blessed because a complete stranger decided to declare how beautiful he thought I was and it wasn't creepy at all. He wasn't hitting on me. He just felt it was important to tell me I was one of the most beautiful woman he has seen in a long time. : ) And then he told my table to appreciate who they were with. I have to say I enjoyed this, because it's been a very long time since a guy has said something like this. I was trying to be gracious about the whole thing and the guy just kept telling me to own it and believe it. I have issues, so it's good to be encouraged every so often.

The Land of Nod

The following day I slept in as long as I could stand it. Maybe it was a little too long, because I can't remember what happened the rest of the day. The Land of Nod is also the place where Cain was sent, east of Eden, to live outside of God's presence. I hope I did not go to that Land of Nod.

From Jericho to Jerusalem

Sunday was Palm Sunday. The sermon at the Ann Arbor Vineyard was entitled "The Way of the Cross: through Jericho to Jerusalem and Beyond" Jesus gives an extravagant welcome to the outsiders and the insiders did not like it. The sermon was also about the long pilgrimage from Jericho, which is well below sea level, up to Jerusalem. It's about 8 hours of walking with an elevation increase of about 3400 ft. It can serve as a metaphor for the life of a disciple. "The grind from Jericho to Jerusalem is about mastering the skill of faithfulness: Doing what needs to be done. No kingdom fruitfulness without faithfulness...You are following not your dream, but your master." Good point and excellent reminder. Now I just have to figure out what that means for me...

In the evening, we had yet another going away party for Dan. It won't be the same without Dan around. This time we prayed for him and each said something encouraging about what makes Dan such a cool person.

Still in Jerusalem

Most of Monday was not productive because I stayed up so late at the party. I did go to the fellowship of the wild women in the evening. I think we were in Acts 11. Also, I couldn't do anything on Monday because I was completely broke and I told God that it seems to be his will that I starve for the next 2 days. Fortunately, that was not his will and I received some extra funds without explicitly asking anyone. This meant I couldn't stay mad at him. I have been somewhat disgruntled, as opposed to being gruntled, regarding his timing and a long list of other things that I feel are not as they should be.

Tuesday was recycling and laundry marathon day. I made 3 stops to recycle things and then had a marathon of laundry. It really was a marathon: 4 loads of laundry x 3 flights of stairs x 2 trips per load x the number of times I forgot something. Then, in the evening, Adam was kind enough to purge my computer of malware and viruses.

Ann Arbor

On Wednesday, I spent most of the day downtown with Rose because Andrew Bird played at Borders 01. He is a uniquely talented musician and a bit of a dramatist. This is one of the songs he performed, "Why?"

Then, in the evening I went to the Artist's Way group. I didn't feel like doing anything deep or profound, so I colored white bunnies with oil pastels. : )

Memphis

I had my first official guitar lesson with blues master guitarist Mike Brooks on Thursday afternoon. He has decided I'm a worthy student and that I have musical ability. (highly debatable) I was worried he would say that he does not have time for someone like me, but he did not say that at all. I don't know if I have real musical ability; I know I have sheet music reading ability. I would like the change this. I am supposed to practice chord transitions and scales until I drive myself mad.

Then I returned to Borders where I found a blues CD by Susan Tedeschi, Back to the River and Eugene Peterson's Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places

Paris

It was just a short trip from Memphis to Paris. For just across the street from Borders Clotaire Rapaille gave a lecture at the Michigan Theater on The Logic of Emotion. He was funny and made some insightful observations, but I was not nearly as impressed as I thought I would be. It was entertaining and he is a good observer of how things are, but he seems to be quite full of himself.

"The Logic of Emotion": Dr. G. Clotaire Rapaille is an internationally known expert in creativity and communication. His marketing strategies have grown out of his work in the areas of psychiatry, psychology, and cultural anthropology, combining a psychiatrist's depth of analysis with a business person’s attention to practical concerns. He has written more than ten books including, Creative Communication, recognized as the standard reference for the French advertising community. His most recent book, the best selling, The Culture Code, sheds light not just on business but on the way every human being acts and lives.

After that, my reptilian brain (that's Rapaille-speak) and I went to DQ for a Blizzard. (pun intended)

Ancient Near East: Antediluvian Anthropology

We discussed the conditions that led up to the Great Deluge. According to Kass, Seth's babies married Cain's babies and this caused all of humanity to become wicked. Hmm... Well, I don't know. I wasn't there. I have heard other interpretations of this passage. Kass argues that the Sons of God and daughters of men represent the lines of Seth and Cain, respectively, and it was not good for them to intermarry, because the line of Seth was humble and oriented toward God while the line of Cain was more prideful and violent.

Toledo

I went to the Glass Pavilion at the Toledo Museum of Art. It also seemed fitting to watch fire on Good Friday. I wandered around the galleries of the museum, but the highlight of the evening was watching a team of people led by glass artist Leonard Marty make a glass sculpture. I loved watching how they used fire: 2 giant furnaces and 3 fire torches. They made a deep cobalt blue sculpture with white running through it. It was fascinating to watch them work together. Each time they put the glass in the fire it kept getting more refined and more beautiful and it reminded me of the concept of the refiner's fire. Two different pieces were created simultaneously and at just the right moment they were joined together. When the piece was finished it was plunged into the aqueous cooling chamber.

Pictures from the Glass Pavilion demonstration.

La Primavera

2009-03-16T16:01:00.015-04:00

It is almost officially and ontologically Spring...well, I have no idea if I used that word correctly, but I get points for trying. I am posting Vivaldi's Spring movement just in case Michigan weather has any other wayward ideas about which season it is about to be. Thanks to wiki I just found out each movement is meant to accompany four sonnets, most likely written by Vivaldi. The Spring sonnet is just below.

La Primavera

Allegro
Giunt' è la Primavera e festosetti Springtime is upon us.
La Salutan gl' Augei con lieto canto birds celebrate her return with festive song
E i fonti allo Spirar de' Zeffiretti murmuring streams are softly
Con dolce mormorio Scorrono intanto caressed by the breezes
Vengon' coprendo l' aer di nero amanto Thunderstorms, heralds of Spring, roar
E Lampi, e tuoni ad annuntiarla eletti casting their dark mantle over heaven,
Indi tacendo questi, gl' Augelletti Then they die away to silence
Tornan' di nuovo al lor canoro incanto birds return to their charming songs once more.

Largo
E quindi sul fiorito ameno prato On the flower-strewn meadow
Al caro mormorio di fronde e piante with leafy branches rustling overhead
Dorme 'l Caprar col fido can' à lato. goat-herd sleeps, his faithful dog beside him

Allegro
Di pastoral Zampogna al suon festante Led by the festive sound of bagpipes
Danzan Ninfe e Pastor nel tetto amato nymphs and shepherds lightly dance
Di primavera all' apparir brillante. beneath the brilliant canopy of spring

**not an excellent translation. I just found it on wikipedia.

The Vivaldi poem is ok, but how could I forget my favorite Spring-themed poem. The Prologue to the Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. The poem goes on, but this how far I've memorized.

Whan that Aprill with his shoures sote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the rote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan Zephirus eek with his swete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Ram his halfe cours y-ronne;
And smale fowles maken melodye,
That slepen al the night with open yë—
So priketh hem Nature in hir corages—
Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages...

The Beginning of Wisdom

2009-03-13T08:27:00.021-04:00

Here you will find my somewhat disorganized thoughts regarding the commentary I have been reading with a group from the Ann Arbor Vineyard on the Book of Genesis.

Leon Kass' reading of Genesis in The Beginning of Wisdom is exhaustive and valuable, but often incomplete. I greatly appreciate the depth and detail. However, I do not always agree with his interpretations but I enjoy the thought-provoking questions he raises. The things he questions in the text have long been on my mind, but I haven't taken the time to really think about them. And he often highlights what the original Hebrew words were in the text as well. All this is helpful, but I always take his perspective on things with a grain of salt.

I am thankful that I am reading another book alongside this reading of Genesis. For Lent, I've committed to reading Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only. I bought the book in January with the intention of being done by March 31st (the 90th day of the year). That didn't happen. That's why I renewed this intention for Lent. So far it's working out. It's not very difficult or lengthy. It's just a matter of setting aside some time to do it. I would try to do all 7 days in one sitting, which is okay if you are cramming for a test, but not nearly as beneficial as reading something every day and reflecting on it throughout the week. I'm finding each day's reading to be well timed. For example, the same day the Vineyard taught on a passage, this same passage was reflected on in the book.

I find Genesis rather disheartening. It is a sad story. We have only read up to the point of the choice to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and bad. The consequences have been outlined and the seraphim are guarding the entrance, preventing access to the Tree of Life. However, before the humans had knowledge of good and bad, they really had no explicit desire for the tree of life. There is no mention of their awareness of the presence of God. Only in His absence do they realize what they had. This is what Kass says anyway in her very literal reading of the text. His modus operandi being, "If something is not clearly stated in the text, then it did not happen" or it was left out intentionally. He also says it is a blessing that God did not give humans immortality in their current state, because they would be miserable. It was His mercy that cut our days short.

Kass also argues that the serpent was merely a symbol for human reason. Now this, I do not agree with. I also felt his argument on this point was inconsistent. He says the serpent (reason) felt rejected by Adam as a suitable counterpart, so that is why the serpent corrupted Eve first. Adam chose sex over reason. How exactly can "reason" feel rejected? He did make an interesting point about how Adam came to the awareness of needing a counterpart.

I also enjoyed how he showed that Genesis and the findings of modern science and even evolution do not always conflict. He drew out all of the similarities and agreements between modern science and Genesis. Some of these themes, have been on my mind for years. I am thankful an intelligent academic is studying Genesis on this level. So this is good. However, he does not explore (or at least thus far) the Scripture that follows Genesis. Or it seems he only refers to subsequent passages of the Bible, when they suit whatever argument he is making at the time. This focus purely on Genesis is good and bad. It provides focus to remain in just one period of time, however there is so much that can be found in later chapters in the Bible. Briefly, in a footnote he mentioned that Lucifer is not mentioned in the Bible until Isaiah or Zechariah. This reference was used to help the argument that the serpent is merely a metaphor for human reason. That just doesn't sit well with me. God commands us to love him with all our mind. I think this command in itself implies that God is not against our rational capacities and they are not inherently evil, though often limited. Furthermore, why would God put enmity between the woman and the ability to reason? And again, how can "reason" feel rejected thereby causing the motive to corrupt the woman first? I don't know...I am apparently enemies with the ability to reason. No, Kass never makes any disparaging statements against women. Actually, in the introduction he noted that indeed women are addressed far less in the Bible. He suggests that maybe that is because they do not need as much instruction as men, flipping a negative feminist reading of Genesis around.

I very much enjoyed his comparison of Genesis 1 and Genesis 2, or the First and Second Creation stories. Kass explains why they are juxtaposed in such a way. Some people have said the two creation stories conflict. He pointed out how they perfectly compliment each other. The first story rejects the divinity of nature while the second story rejects the divinity of humans. Throughout history, one culture or another will always worship nature and/or man, if they are not presented with the alternative.

New Year of the Trees

2009-02-08T18:15:00.017-05:00

I recently learned about the Jewish holiday the New Year of the Trees, Tu Bishvat. I put all the Jewish holidays in my google calendar and then I wonder what it all means. I read wikipedia articles or other informative resources online to study their meaning, because they are usually based on some Old Testament scripture and I found out random interesting things.

Tu Bishvat is based on the law stated in Leviticus: When you enter the [promised] land and plant any kind of fruit tree, don't eat the fruit for three years; consider it inedible. By the fourth year its fruit is holy, an offering of praise to God. Beginning in the fifth year you can eat its fruit; you'll have richer harvests this way. I am God, your God. (The Message) Leviticus 19:23-5

Customs include planting trees and eating dried fruits and nuts. The traditional Tu Bishvat seder features figs, dates, raisins, olives, pomegranates, carobs and almonds. The timing of the holiday coincides with the flowering of the almond tree in Israel. It isn't exclusively about the almond tree, but the almond does have special meaning in the Bible. The Hebrew name for almond shaqed means industrious or vigilant. It blossoms early, watching diligently for the opportunity to bloom. Aarons' Rod sprouted into an almond branch as evidence of the exclusive right to the priesthood of the tribe of Levi. Furthermore, the almond branch was the basis for the design of the menorah that was placed before the veil of the Holy of Holies. The Tu Bishvat seder ended with this prayer:

"May the Tree of Life be returned now to its original strength, and may the strength of the Righteous One's bow return, that we may see the rainbow, joyful and beautified with its colors; and from there may the flow of compassion and mercy flow over us, for forgiveness and for fixing our sins and errors. And may all the sparks and species scattered by our hands, or by the hands of our ancestors, be returned and included in the majestic might of the Tree of Life."

Celebrating the New Year of the Trees was revived about 500 years ago by the Kabbalistic Jews. Before that time, the holiday was more a marker for tithes than anything else. (from what I've read online anyway) They taught that Tu B'Shvat is an opportune time to rectify the transgression of Adam and Eve. I know that we can't rectify this transgression on our own, only Christ can do that, but I like exploring the symbolism and how the Old Testament has been interpreted over the years. I love this next passage about how we are called to experience God's goodness and pleasure. It is only the attempt to experience goodness and pleasure apart from Him which is impossible and also forbidden.

Excerpt from "Celebrating Pleasure" by David Aaron

The Torah teaches that G-d created the world so that we could experience goodness in general, and His goodness in particular. Experiencing His goodness—-bonding with G-d—-is the greatest joy imaginable. G-d empowers us to bond with Him by serving His purpose for creation....If we eat and enjoy the fruits of this world for G-d's sake-—because this is what He asks of us-—then we are actually serving G-d and bonding with Him. We serve G-d by acknowledging that the fruits of this world are His gifts to us and by willfully accepting and enjoying those gifts. The root of Jewish life is, in fact, enjoyment—-the pleasure of connecting to G-d. We connect to G-d by serving Him, and this means obeying His command to enjoy the fruits of this world. While in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve's entire obligation was to enjoy all the lush fruits-—with the notable exception of one forbidden fruit. Sure enough, they went after that one. This misdeed demonstrated their confused orientation to the real meaning of pleasure. Rather than seeing the fruits as pleasurable because they are G-d's gifts and enjoying them as part of their service to G-d, they wanted to partake of them independently of G-d-—in fact, contrary to His will.

Chabad.org has more information about how man is figuratively related to trees: "On this day we remember that "Man is a tree of the field" (Deuteronomy 20:19) and reflect on the lessons we can derive from our botanical analogue." A Tree's New Year Resolution shows how the goals of a tree symbolically are very similar to the things humans should seek to accomplish each year.

With this in mind, I thought it would be interesting to somehow commemorate the holiday at sunset on February 8th, because it officially begins at sunset. It's funny how things worked out that day. I was still in Grand Rapids with Stephanie and Joan on Sunday. We had planned on coming back right after the Mars Hill service (which was awesome because they gave everyone giant cupcakes to celebrate their 10 year anniversary). We would have been back in the afternoon at some point, but there was an unexpected turn of events which delayed our travels, so we didn't get back to Ann Arbor until about 5 or 5:30. Steph and I really needed to get out after sitting in the car for so long, so we went to Gallup park. Then, she showed me the secret passageway into the Arb (about 100 acres of forested land in Ann Arbor), which I didn't know about. I knew about The Arb, but not about the secret way in from Gallup, which probably isn't that secret after all. We walked through this icy meadow over to the woods to get there. I just thought it was interested how I ended up in the middle of the Arb with all the trees just at sunset. We didn't have the traditional seder, but it was a moment. I just was contemplating the trees and then I thought about the talking or dancing trees in C.S. Lewis' Prince Caspian and felt like Lucy for a minute. And then something interesting happened I think...though I'm not sure. No, the trees in the Arb did not perform any ballets.

Grand Rapids Ballet

2009-02-07T19:30:00.022-05:00

I had the privilege of going to the Grand Rapids Ballet Company to see Contemporary Masters. They performed three pieces: Peter Sparling's Vox Humana, Gordon Peirce Schmidt's The Sleep of Reason and George Balanchine's Prodigal Son. I wish I had a video of the entire night, from beginning to end. It was completely exquisite and wonderful in every way.

Vox Humana (Human Voices), set to Thomas Tallis' Spem in Alium, was the most visually stunning and transcendent. I dare say the most beautiful dance I've ever seen. Spem in Alium is a 40-piece motet, meaning a 40 piece choir. It was so peaceful. Here is a video of just the music, but imagine 11 or 12 dancers all dressed in white dancing to this music.

Spem in alium numquam habui praeter in te
I have never put my hope in any other but you,
Deus Israel
Oh God of Israel
qui irasceris
who can show both anger
et propitius eris
and graciousness
et omnia peccata hominum in tribulatione dimittis
and who absolves all the sins of suffering man
Domine Deus
Lord God
Creator coeli et terrae
Creator of Heaven and Earth
respice humilitatem nostram
be mindful of our humiliation

The Sleep of Reason included 3 dancers: a beautifully harmonious couple and a strange, scary onlooker. This ballet was loosely based on Goya's painting The Sleep of Reason, which has the caption: "Fantasy abandoned by reason produces impossible monsters: united with her, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of their marvels." I enjoyed the woman's performance the most. She had her eyes closed during the entire performance as if she were asleep. She floated gracefully through this very complex dance as if it were nothing, as if she were a feather.

And finally, George Balanchine's Prodigal Son. It is based on the Biblical parable in the Gospel of Luke. This picture depicts the prodigal just after the world has stripped him of all his wealth. The Siren was very alluring at first and throughout her seductive dance, but in the end she and everyone else take everything from him. I'm not sure what I can say. It was Balanchine and it was brilliant. It told the story in such an imaginative way that was true to the meaning of the parable. I just wish ballets like the Prodigal Son, Vox Humana and the Sleep of Reason were performed more so that more people could enjoy them. They are rare gems of modern or contemporary ballet.

Here is a trailer showing some of the behind the scenes rehearsals of the Prodigal Son. It also explains how the company earned the right to perform this ballet from the Balanchine estate.

Grand Rapids Ballet Presents The Prodigal Son from Grand Rapids Ballet on Vimeo.

A couple interesting quotes by George Balanchine:

"God creates, I do not create [ballets]. I assemble and I steal everywhere to do it - from what I see, from what the dancers can do, from what others do. "
"The ballet is a purely female thing; it is a woman, a garden of beautiful flowers, and man is the gardener. "

Naturally Supernatural

2009-02-06T12:38:00.025-05:00

I recently went to a Vineyard conference in Grand Rapids called "Naturally Supernatural." Gary Best wrote the book by the same name which teaches that God is closer than we think, He can work in and through us and the life of Jesus is accessible to all of us. It was primarily an equipping and practicum conference, so we had a lot of time to practice praying for people, and there was a good dose of lectures and worship as well.

During the first night of the conference, I asked for prayer about my back. The focus during this prayer practicum time was physical healing. My spine is not quite right and I'd like for it be right again. I had x-rays done this summer and I saw in detail just why. I was surprised to see how much the vertebrae curved to the right in the thoracic or upper lumbar areas. I do not have scoliosis, but over time, due to bad posture and gravity, my spine has shifted. Fortunately, I'm not in any pain, but I have this weird tense feeling in the entire left side of my body, from head to toe. It is very annoying and aggravated by normal exercise, like walking. But I do not want to go to the chiropraxy (my made up word for the practice of chiropractix), for various reasons and reservations, but I do not want to be an old or young person with back problems.

The group did pray for my back, but then the Holy Spirit had other plans. One person immediately sensed that God wanted to address something else that night. I'm always asking for direction and clarity. I hope to be open to whatever God is telling me, though I always have a certain amount of trepidation about this. I assume God is going to criticize me. This has never happened, but for some reason I always brace myself and hold my breath when I am receiving prayer, especially the more prophetic variety. My thoughts are "It's been sugar-coated before, now he's going to really bring the truth or let me know about some secret sin that I am not even aware I am committing." It has never happened this way. It's the truth but it's usually encouraging and affirming, or it helps me to refocus and stop worrying so much. I am usually told not to worry. At the last conference the only thing He said was to focus on the peace in the eye of the storm and not pay attention to the winds. The answers are not in the wind. And I was told to restrict the amount of time I worry to about 15 minutes per day. : )

I usually know it's God talking to me through someone when the Holy Spirit begins addressing those deep thoughts that I haven't fully articulated even to myself, but I am aware they exist. Or the recurring thoughts I haven't expressed to anyone yet. I especially like receiving prayer from people whom I've never met. Or more precisely, Vineyard-trained people whom I've never met or don't know me very well, because I feel I can generally trust them and they do not have any prior knowledge about my life, which means they are far less likely to bring their own personal bias to my situation. I am more interested in hearing what God has to say to me than what 'advice,' however well-intentioned, people want to offer. She prayed for a few moments and then she smiled and said "You're facing a conundrum." Yes! I was a little surprised that came up, but glad that it did. She went on to say I have some fear and anxiety associated with it. Yes... I still don't have any answers for my conundrum. I didn't get any direction one way or the other, but I felt validated that I am in fact facing a kind of conundrum and it is real. I wouldn't mind getting some answers, because if I'm way off track and deluding myself, I'd like to know about it.

I hope this next part doesn't come across as too narcissistic or shallow, because it was actually very healing for me to hear. And in a way, it does fall into the category of physical healing. I just have assumed I am not cute anymore. Maybe I was before when I was younger and thinner, but not anymore. And that's why guys aren't interested in me anymore. I also have been thinking that I don't have the joy of the Lord on my face. (what an odd thing to worry about?) I keep seeing people who clearly do have the joy of the Lord radiating from their face and eyes. It's so bright and apparent. However, I have come to think that maybe I don't have this radiance. Maybe people see me but don't see that kind of light. Maybe they see darkness. I've screwed up too many times and lost it. Of course, I didn't mention any of this to the women praying for me, but I felt God was speaking through them and I am trying to receive it.

These are some of the words they had for me: The joy of the Lord is so strong on your face. God just loves your face and cheeks. He loves to see you wake up in the morning and can't wait to see what you're going to do. He looks forward to spending time with you. When he looks at you, he admires the fact that he does really nice work.

The women weren't just passively listing things. Everything was stated so boldly, with sincerity and with authority. I knew it wasn't from them. It was healing, because I am always criticizing myself, especially the way I look, and especially first thing in the morning. I had been thinking that I am this random combination of traits that was not necessarily planned and composed, but with these words, I felt that God was taking ownership for his work and admiring the fact that he does really good work. I am not a random assemblage of phenotypes, but a created whole.

After this prayer I realized that I would never criticize a friend's artwork the way I criticize myself. And I am criticizing God's artwork every time I criticize myself in this destructive way. I also felt, in a more substantial, way that God does not love me because of the things I do. I just have to wake up in the morning and be alive. I think I have to learn several profound Biblical truths every day, pray several hours, lose 10 pounds, help the poor, teach/evangelize, listen to worship music more, always have perfect pitch, be organized and efficient always, be more loving and forgiving to people and then maybe I will feel the Father's love. Of course, I never accomplish all of this in a single day, so I feel like a failure almost every day. Some of those things are possible, but not all at the same time and every day. More than I know, I have a performance based view of His love. Even though intellectually I know that is not how it works.

Hearing that God likes the way I look was a revelation, as funny as that sounds. It had not occurred to me before. Seriously. And they specifically mentioned how He likes my cheeks, which I find problematic. So that was refreshing. And that was only the first session of the conference. I was given permission to like the way I look because God does.

The following day we had workshop sessions and another main session in the evening. I went to the Prayer of Command and Hearing God. All good. I have tons of good notes from the entire conference. I really enjoy Gary Best's sense of humor and teaching style. I might blog them, for now I think I'll focus on what was revealed during the prayer time.

I found the Hearing God workshop a little troublesome. I did not like how the leader's methodology. It seemed to work for some people, but I thought it seemed like a game. It did not seem like the appropriate way to approach the Holy Spirit and interact with people in prayer. We had to line up, turn around facing away from the room and close our eyes. Then we waited to receive a word. As people felt led, they were to stand behind you. Then, when a couple minutes had passed you were to turn around and share with the person whatever was on your mind, but you had to keep your eyes closed the whole time. I am pretty sure I did not hear anything (or see anything). I just apologized to the really nice older woman who was standing behind me. And I thought this was silly. Then it was my turn to go find someone who may or may not have a word for me. So I stood behind the workshop teacher. : ) And he gave me this image that really does not make any sense to me. He saw this kid jumping on a trampoline and everyone else on the trampoline was being pulled off but he just kept on jumping. Interesting enough, but revelatory? Not so sure. I like trampolines. I appreciate perseverance and I understand sometimes you have to keep jumping as other people are pulled out of your life, but was that really a word for me. I don't know. It was a boy, maybe 8 years old. Not a girl. So I'm not really sure what that means.

However, at this same workshop we prayed for each other in a more conventional way in small groups, which I think is so much better and more relational. I was happy to actually have something to say to one person at the table. I had the word faithful, faithfulness or deep faith impressed on my mind. And he said that has been a major concern for him lately so it was encouraging to hear that. So that was really affirming for him. And also I told him a little bit of my story and that was helpful to him because he is worried about his son right now.

The two people in my group both had interesting things to say. Again it was confirmed that I have the joy of the Lord on my face - despite what I think. I still feel uncomfortable writing this, but this matched what the other women had said the night before. She said God will use this for something, but she didn't know exactly what. The other word of knowledge was from the man. He said that he never had such a strong word from the Lord before. He said that it is important that I verbalize what it is I want. Not to him, but to close friends. It's important that I do this for clarity. Hmm, what do I want? I do need clarity. I did make some attempts at verbalizing what it is I want. On the whole, I think the Hearing God workshop worked out despite the leader's silly game.

There were more good sessions and encounters. It's difficult to cover everything. Amazing things can happen when a group of people are actively engaged in trying to heal and speak truths to one another with the help of the Holy Spirit. It's too rare an occurrence in everyday life. And this was the point of the conference. Living more holistically, naturally and supernaturally, walking the path of shalom. Not being one person in church and then another in your neighborhood and workplace.

32nd Ann Arbor Folk Festival

2009-01-30T20:00:00.023-05:00

The annual Ann Arbor Folk Festival, another reason to love Ann Arbor. This was my first festival and I hope to be back next year. I've learned from Pandora.com that I like a vocal-centric aesthetic, acoustic rhythm guitar & piano, folk & blues influenced, acoustic sonority, subtle vocal harmony and a good dose of guitar picking. It just so happens, The Ark is the perfect place to explore this genre, if that is a genre.

On a more personal note, I am truly fascinated by the number of people who can play the guitar and sing at the same time. I want to be able to do this. The fact that so many people seem to be able to play and sing at the same time encourages me to continue in my efforts, but it's going to take some practice. I want to be able to sit down 2-3 times and master this skill. That isn't possible for anyone. I lose patience and begin playing classical music on the guitar, like Mozart and Bach, which is fine I guess, but you can't really sing and play that sort of music in a rock/bluesy/folk kind of style. Well, maybe you can. Anyway, my point is that this only enables my addiction to the printed page.

Back to the festival

This is the Friday night line up in no particular order. But I will say that I was very impressed by the first 5, and not so impressed by the last 4.

Carolina Chocolate Drops
The Ragbirds
Katie Herzig
Jeff Tweedy
Joe Pug
Old Crow Medicine Show
Chelsea Williams
Ryan Montbleau
Jim Lauderdale, MC

This is Joe Pug performing Hymn 101. If there is one song that struck me from the show and that I will remember for a long time, it's this one. I remember hearing it the week before the show on the Acoustic Cafe. Brilliant. The lyrics are so deep.

and i've come to know the wish list of my father
i've come to know the shipwrecks where he wished
i've come to wish aloud
among the over-dressed crowd
come to witness now the sinking of the ship
throwing pennies from the sea top next to it

and i've come to roam the forest past the village
with a dozen lazy horses in my cart
i've come here to get high
to do more than just get by
i've come to test the timbre of my heart
oh i've come to test the timbre of my heart

and i've come
to be untroubled in my seeking
and i've come
to see that nothing is for naught
i've come to reach out blind
to reach forward and behind
for the more I seek the more I'm sought
yeah the more I seek the more I'm sought

and i've come to meet the sheriff and his posse
to offer him the broad side of my jaw
i've come here to get broke
then maybe bum a smoke
we'll go drinking two towns over after all
oh we'll go drinking two towns over after all

and i've come to meet the legendary takers
i've only come to ask them for a lot
oh they say i come with less
than i should rightfully possess
i say the more i buy the more i'm bought
and the more i'm bought the less i cost

and i've come
to take their servants and their surplus
and i've come
to take their raincoats and their speed
i've come to get my fill
to ransack and spill
i've come to take the harvest for the seed
i've come to take the harvest for the seed

and i've come to know the manger that you sleep in
i've come to be the stranger that you keep
i've come from down the road
and my footsteps never slowed
and before we met i knew we'd meet
before we met i knew we'd meet

and i've come here to ignore your cries and heartaches
i've come to closely listen to you sing
i've come here to insist
that i leave here with a kiss
i've come to say exactly what i mean
and i mean so many things

and you've come
to know me stubborn as a butcher
and you've come
to know me thankless as a guest
will you recognize my face
when god's awful grace
strips me of my jacket and my vest
and reveals all the treasure in my chest

do not be anxious

2009-01-27T10:52:00.017-05:00

Lately, a running theme seems to be "Do not worry, do not be anxious." This is not new information, but I need to remind myself and often. I feel like I may have even written a similar blog about this before. No matter. I need to be reminded again. I often default into worry mode. I can get really creative about the stuff I worry about too. And sometimes the things I worry about are not in my control or are so far removed from the present time that it is just silly to even think about. And there is no point in worrying about things, especially those things that are out of my control. But I still find myself doing it. I have this constantly evolving ever growing list of things that could go wrong if I don't remember to think and re-think about them. And I have the most bizarre anxiety and rejection dreams as a result of this. And this is where I need to trust in God and realize he is near and aware of all my needs and not distant and not rejecting me.

I have this fear that if I let go and trust too much, then I am being lazy and he might forget that I need things. I know this is ridiculous, because time and again he proves himself more than faithful. I have to somehow learn to distinguish the difference between planning things out and being a good steward of my resources and just worrying about stuff. I tend to be involved in a messy mix of the two. And then, I am hard on myself because I feel like I am not doing anything creative...but with all this wasted energy going to anxiety and worry, how can there be anything left over? The key seems to remember times when God has been faithful and to be thankful. And also to meditate on good things and especially on Scripture. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding will be with you.

I wonder what that would be like; to literally not worry about anything, and not worry about what people think and not worry that I have the ability to do things that I'd like to do. All these thoughts are rooted in fear. I think this worry-free frame of mind would be similar to how I remember seeing the world when I was like 4 or 5. I remember having all kinds of trust then. I even remember having conversations with God then. I remember hearing promises and then just knew they would be fulfilled. I learned about spiritual warfare at a very young age. If I said I was scared of the dark (because I actually did see scary things in the dark), my grandmother just told me to "plead the blood of Jesus" and sing songs of praise. And it really works. I remember it working and I know it still does.

My Utmost for His Highest from today parallels the sermon from this past Sunday at the Vineyard.

Do not worry about your life . . . —Matthew 6:25

A warning which needs to be repeated is that "the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches," and the lust for other things, will choke out the life of God in us (Matthew 13:22). We are never free from the recurring waves of this invasion. If the front line of attack is not about clothes and food, it may be about money or the lack of money; or friends or lack of friends; or the line may be drawn over difficult circumstances. It is one steady invasion, and these things will come in like a flood, unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the banner against it.

"I say to you, do not worry about your life . . . ." Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, "That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink." Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.

"Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34). How much trouble has begun to threaten you today? What kind of mean little demons have been looking into your life and saying, "What are your plans for next month— or next summer?" Jesus tells us not to worry about any of these things. Look again and think. Keep your mind on the "much more" of your heavenly Father (Matthew 6:30).

The Magic Flute

2009-01-25T16:32:00.029-05:00

I saw Mozart's The Magic Flute last night at the Michigan Theater. It's so nice to live in a city like Ann Arbor, because I can go to shows like this pretty easily and for not very much money. I've known about the famous arias, like the Queen of the Night's ultra high coloratura aria "Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen" ("The vengeance of Hell boils in my heart") lol . Here's the video link if you want to hear what a high F6 sounds like : ) But I didn't know what the story was actually about or that it is full of Masonic symbolism and influenced by the Enlightenment. I don't have much of an opinion about Masonry or the Enlightenment. In any case, like any good opera, it's a story about love. And Mozart wrote a great overture and several catchy arias to go along with it.

This is the basic story. Tamino, the central male protagonist, is in the woods and a serpent is there and he is scared and needs help conquering this serpent which has been chasing after him. He faints. Three enchanted women kill the serpent. They were sent on a mission by the Queen of the Night. It is revealed that Tamino must fall in love with Pamina, the Queen's daughter, so that he can rescue her from the Queen's enemy, Sarastro, who has the princess tied up at the moment with Monostatos. His reward will be Pamina. Tamino sees Pamina's portrait and is suddenly smitten. Dies Bildnis ist bezaubernd schön ("This image is enchantingly lovely." The three enchanted women give him the magic flute. Die Zauberfloete. It has the power to turn things into their opposites. So when a group of enemies attack him, he can play the flute and they will suddenly be filled with joy and merriment to the degree that they were filled with hatred. I wish I had a flute like that. I can play the flute, but I can't quite do that - change men's hearts.

Then, the comical figure, Papageno, shows up and sings about his profession, a bird catcher. "Der Vogelfänger bin ich ja!" Then, the Queen of the Night reminds Tamino of his mission. "O zittre nicht, mein lieber Sohn!" (Oh Tremble not, my dear son) Tamino and Papageno find Pamina at Sarastro's palace and there is drama. And that is basically Act 1.

Act 2 : The priests, lead by Sarastro, had already decided that Tamino should be united with Pamina, but he must first successfully go through various trials and ordeals. Papageno also needs to go through trials so that he may have his bride, Papagena. The first test is to remain silent when tempted by women. When Tamino and Pamina meet again, Pamina tries to speaks to him, but he must remain firm and not say anything. Unaware of this vow of silence, she takes this as rejection. And sings the famous aria, "Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden."

Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden, (Oh, I feel it, it disappeared)

Ewig hin der Liebe Glück! (Gone forever is love's luck!)

Nimmer kommt ihr Wonnestunde (Never again comes the blissful hour)

Meinem Herzen mehr zurück! (Back to my heart!)

Sieh', Tamino, diese Tränen, (See, Tamino, these tears,)

Fließen, Trauter, dir allein! (Flowing, beloved, for you alone!)

Fühlst du nicht der Liebe Sehnen, (You do not feel the chords of love,)

So wird Ruh' im Tode sein! (Thus there will be peaceful rest in death!)

Eventually Tamino and Pamina are reunited and Tamino is allowed to speak again. But they still must go through the trials of fire, water, wind and earth....or something like that, with the help of the magic flute. Pamina also tells Tamino that this flute was carved by her father from an ancient oak tree.

Papageno finds his Papagena and they sing the famous duet, "Papageno!, Papagena!" He's so funny.

The forces of evil have not been completely conquered yet. Monostatos and the Queen of the Night destroy a temple. But then they are cast out into eternal night.

Then the chief priest, Sarastro, appears at another, more important temple and unites the lovers, praises Tamino and Pamina for enduring the trials and gives thanks to God.

And they live happily ever after...

*** I did not mean to italicize everything. I can't seem to glean out all of the italics out of the html...oh well.

Transformed by Beholding

2009-01-23T13:22:00.004-05:00

I am not very good at this lately, or maybe ever. This is good though.

My Utmost for His Highest
January 23, 2009

Transformed by Beholding

We all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image . . . —2 Corinthians 3:18

The greatest characteristic a Christian can exhibit is this completely unveiled openness before God, which allows that person’s life to become a mirror for others. When the Spirit fills us, we are transformed, and by beholding God we become mirrors. You can always tell when someone has been beholding the glory of the Lord, because your inner spirit senses that he mirrors the Lord’s own character. Beware of anything that would spot or tarnish that mirror in you. It is almost always something good that will stain it— something good, but not what is best.

The most important rule for us is to concentrate on keeping our lives open to God. Let everything else including work, clothes, and food be set aside. The busyness of things obscures our concentration on God. We must maintain a position of beholding Him, keeping our lives completely spiritual through and through. Let other things come and go as they will; let other people criticize us as they will; but never allow anything to obscure the life that "is hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:3). Never let a hurried lifestyle disturb the relationship of abiding in Him. This is an easy thing to allow, but we must guard against it. The most difficult lesson of the Christian life is learning how to continue "beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord . . . ."

productivity

2009-01-14T22:59:00.021-05:00

I have been moderately productive today and I feel I need to document this momentous occasion. I have embraced the mundane tasks of life, including flossing, and now I need to blog about it. Yesterday was mildly productive as well. Maybe I function quite all right in the cold after all.

Woke up at 5:30 am without an alarm. (that's super rare)
Finished putting laundry away.
Normal stuff, like shower and wear clothes.
Flossed. (I don't usually do this, especially at 6 am)
Blew out my hair, even utilizing the round brush.
Took a nap from 7-8 am. : )

Completed and efiled my 2008 tax return during lunch.

Went to the bank to invest my tuppence.

Bought bird food and a little hanging house to put it in.
And remembered the song, "Feed the Birds" That song is always in my head when I'm anywhere near bird seed.

Did some Kroger shopping.
Visited the Secretary of the State.
Spent way more than tuppence at Plum Market.
Installed the bird feeder on my deck : )
Practiced playing the guitar, but only briefly.

Reviewed my last study on the Tabernacle in preparation for the next Tabernacle study meeting, which is based on a slightly different perspective than what I had previously studied. I'm still not sure I like how the pastor is teaching it or maybe it's his attitude. Whatever it is, something is off. It's a little too much like the preaching style I remember from the Assembly of God church I grew up in. So this time, I'm bringing my own outline and studying beforehand.

Interesting side story: A couple of weeks ago I was at home thinking "I need to revisit studying the Tabernacle and reviewing the study I did and complete the homework I skipped. But I don't feel motivated and it's boring to do this alone." I thought I would somehow make it to Starbucks and spend some hours doing this. That didn't happen. Suddenly, out of the blue, Angela texted me and asked if I wanted to have dinner and talk about the Tabernacle that night. That's pretty funny. Crazy timing. Who gets texts from their friends on weekends asking them to talk about the Tabernacle? So I figured, I was probably supposed to go. We've had a couple meetings so far. It's mostly been good, but I feel like something is missing. But I'm enjoying meeting together to study this. They hope to foster a network of home churches in Michigan.

oil painting

2008-12-16T23:30:00.006-05:00

I am teaching myself how to make oil paintings. In turn, this oil painting is teaching me patience. Great...

I just found out today that if I want to complete the painting I am working on with a varnish, matte or gloss, which is highly recommended. I must wait several months before the painting will be dry enough to do that. This is not good news. Several months? And even then, applying the varnish is a process.

I am not sure that I'm cut out for oils. The website bluntly stated that if you are having trouble waiting several months until you can apply the varnish then you should paint with acrylics.

Furthermore, I also found out that certain colors take several weeks to dry. This is true. When I painted the first layers of the painting it took over 2 weeks for the painting to dry. I did not expect that and thought that I had done something wrong. I decided to read a little bit about oil painting since I found myself in the middle of one. No, I didn't really do anything wrong. Also, some colors have different drying times. You must not put a color that has a faster drying time under a color with a slower one. This is becoming very complicated.

Then, I realized that I wanted it to have that shiny, vibrant look and vaguely remembered from my art history classes that you must put something called varnish on the painting. So today, I found out that after I finally feel inspired enough to finish the thing I must wait several months until I can varnish it. I did not expect this.

I don't really know what I painted. I only used two colors. A yellow and a green. And one brush - even though you are supposed to have a multitude of brushes, elixirs, potions, various tools, palettes, scrapers and I don't know what else.

This mess of an oil painting has dominated my dining room table since....I don't really remember when actually. Sometime in October.

Hopefully I will finish it by the end of the year, and then in June I can varnish it. Ok, that's an exaggeration. I should be able to varnish in February/March. This thing better be good. There is so much pressure now. I was encouraged that one friend really liked it. When Jessi saw it, she really wanted to have it, even in its unfinished state. I was surprised.

I now realize why so many people use acrylics. I used to hold it against artists when I'd see that they used acrylics. I still prefer oils, but I did not know that several weeks and months were required in between the stages. It's quite the chemistry experiment.

Subject of the painting? I did not have a plan. I just wanted to paint yellow and green. I studied all the versions of yellow and green paints for a very long time at the store.... (that took time too) Now that it's taking shape it sort of looks like the northern lights I saw once upon a time over the Atlantic.

unfinished thoughts

2008-12-08T22:10:00.012-05:00

I feel like talking to my blog of the cyberspace...

There is an enlightened evergreen tree in my living room,
an unfinished oil painting in the dining room,
a Gustav Klimt print in the bedroom,
and one lone bamboo in the bathroom.

My guitar still won't let me play chords...
we haven't gotten that far in our relationship.
Though it is very pleased with melodies:
amazing grace, simple gifts, besame mucho,
various hymns, let it be, ode to joy, edelweiss.
But absolutely no chords!
too painful...for the both of us I guess.
Ok, maybe the occasional simple chord,
but only a few a day.

The painting is not going to finish itself,
nor is the tree going to decorate itself.
I've encouraged it to do so by leaving
decorations on the ground beside it for a few days.
Nothing happens.

You'd think, if he truly were an enlightened tree,
he'd pick up the stuff and put it on.
I come home to a very nice looking tree,
just no ornaments, garlands, snowflakes or other trimmings.
Still the tree is very thirsty.

I really must finish the oil painting. It is my first ever.
but I am such a perfectionist.
I hate to do anything if I can't be sure of its imminent perfection.
This leaves out most activities.

Oil paints are very messy.
I made a mess of the cadmium yellow.
I've also left the paints and brushes
next to the painting for at least a month.
Conclusion: paintings do not paint themselves.

I saw Pride and Prejudice at the Power Center with Angela and Svenja yesterday. : )

However, the actress did not play a very good Elizabeth Bennett at all. I found it challenging to even like her character, one of my favorite female protagonists of all time. She was robotic and one dimensional. I could hardly get any sense of vulnerability at any moment. I don't know how anyone could get it so wrong. I don't know. Maybe it was her voice. A very annoying voice. All shouting and monotone emotions. And a blond Mr. Darcy ?? Seriously. I was not convinced. His hair was the least of his problems. I just am surprised they are seniors at the UofM Drama Program.

We are having Stolz und Vorurteil night at Svenja's : ) We need to watch the Keira Knightly version, and quick. Poor Svenja...I keep saying random German words to her and asking if it's right.

Songs of Earth and of Heaven

2008-12-05T22:00:00.001-05:00

Audrey Luna performed at the DIA on Friday as part of the Friday Night Live series. She has performed all over Europe, including The Louvre, Wien, Berlin, Salzburg, St. John the Divine, etc. I am not sure how she ended up in Detroit, but I feel very fortunate that I just happened to plan my DIA visit the same night of her performance. It was one of the most brilliant things I've heard in a very long time. She sang in the Ford mural room just past the sparkle ceiling room. : ) [pictured above without the sparkles] Audrey has perfect technique, but more importantly, she genuinely connects with the meaning of the music and conveys that to the audience. All of her songs had to do with spirituality. She sang pieces by Aaron Copland, Charles Ives, Maurice Ravel, Samuel Barber and Olivier Messiaen. I see that they just applied the umbrella term "spirituality" in the description, but all the songs had Judeo-Christian origins.

A few program notes:

"The performance tonight is a program exploring themes present in the special exhibition now on view, Monet to Dali, which focuses on how works of art can both evoke and project different moods and states of mind. The paintings and sculptures make visible the often vague world of human emotions. Building on that theme, Audrey Luna and Brad Caldwell explore how pieces of music can communicate the emotive nature of spirituality present in various belief systems. Listen as Audrey performs pieces that convey the power of spiritual beliefs through melody and lyrics" (Friday Night Live at The Detroit Institute of Arts Program Notes)

My thoughts on some of the pieces:

Aaron Copland - 12 Poems of Emily Dickinson

I do not like how Copland writes for voice. However, I do like the poems of Emily Dickinson. She sang The Chariot. Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me...

Charles Ives is a completely different story. He took American vernacular, negro spirituals and translated them into a classical style in the most brilliant way possible. "At the River" (1916) and "In the Mornin'" (1929) were the best. Please read the words for "At the River".

Then, Audrey sang Deux chansons Hebraique by Maurice Ravel, or 2 Hebrew songs. The Kaddisch is a Jewish mourning song. I think that was my favorite overall piece. I wonder if this is recorded anywhere. And the other one was in Yiddish, but I do not remember much about it.

I was not too impressed with the songs by Samuel Barber: St. Ita's Vision, The Crucifixion and Desire for Hermitage. I know that I am supposed to be impressed. It just wasn't my taste. He wrote these songs specifically for a highly respected soprano, Leontyne Price, but I don't like this style of singing. Now if I were to say that I didn't appreciate the music of Barber on the whole, there would be something very wrong with me.

Olivier Massiaen writes unspeakably beautiful music. Chants de Terre et de Ciel (Songs of Earth and of the Sky). Massiaen was also devout Roman Catholic and a devout naturalist with mild synaesthesia, which is probably a near perfect combination of things to make up a composer. Audrey sang Bail avec Mi, pour ma femme. (agreement with me, for my wife) and Resurrection. I wish I could find the words to "Bail avec mi". It was a love poem to his wife.

my guitar story

2008-11-28T21:00:00.001-05:00

It's time to write about my latest musical conquest. I found the perfect guitar for me for right now - Fender Acoustic-Electric Dreadnought of Dao wood.

Previously, I wrote about how I received the directive to invest in learning to play the guitar. Creating music is one of the most important things to me...I just seem to do so very little of it lately.

Slight problem: I wasn't sure where the funds would come from. A decent guitar is 300+. I wanted something that would be unique and that had a high quality sound.

I prayed and asked that somehow it would be possible for me to not make a student loan payment for one month, because that amount more than equals the price of a guitar. But of course, you can't just decide to not pay your federal student loans. It just so happened that when I checked my account on November 25th it said I did not have any payments due, which would have been a few days later. I was in the clear until late December. = ) I emailed them to make sure and it was true! It said I was still in school until November 30th, which isn't true but I wasn't going to question it. Actually, the just reconsolidated things and somehow that added up to me not having to make a November payment.

I went to Guitar Center on black Friday. However, I was overwhelmed with the selection and the salesperson was not super helpful. I thought I would be able to figure it out on my own, but I was not able to. Also, I had a lingering thought that it would be cool to get a little extra help since I know it is God telling me to learn to play the guitar. And I was feeling a little lonely going in there by myself.

Suddenly, an old friend, Fred Girard, appeared who just happens to be an expert guitar player and buyer. I haven't seen him in a year or so. I knew him from NorthRidge. He's been playing since he was 6 and now he must be old...not sure how old. But old enough. He has a blues / jazz band and is the worship leader at a church. He even plans to start teaching free lessons in January and is writing his own method books.

He encouraged me to spend a little more and showed me how this Dao wood guitar sounds like a guitar that is at least triple the price. He bought a similar guitar a few weeks ago. I wasn't convinced at first, but then he brought me into the really expensive acoustic guitar room to compare the sound. Then, I was able to hear the quality of the tone and I was convinced.

I was very much opposed to getting something that didn't have a unique look. Plain spruce is so boring. So vanilla. It took me a bit to appreciate the wood grain, but now I love it. I also like that it has a highly polished finish. I didn't want a matte finish.

I wasn't sure how to convey my feelings about the quality of the Dao wood sound. Dao is a fruit wood tree from Vietnam. I found this quote on a British web site that is perfect. I really like how he mentioned that it is good for singing along with because it blends well with the voice and it's also good for finger picking.

"The unique properties of Dao wood produce a really subtle tone... this is not a guitar to give you massive volume - but it will give you a stunning light and pure acoustic sound. It is a great guitar to sing with as it does not over power the voice.. rather it blends with you. It particularly likes to be finger picked! ... it just seems to flow with lightness!" - anonymous British guy from a website

It was also such a blessing that Fred was there, because he even prayed over the guitar before I bought it. It was nice to have it blessed like that. He gave me his old gig bag and helped me negotiate with the sales people. He also made a quick fix on this one minor problem the guitar has. I can also take some free lessons starting in January.

So now I must practice a lot and toughen up my fingers. I have to overcome the idea that string instruments and I do not get along.

The Sound of Silence

2008-10-05T22:00:00.035-04:00

I started a new Beth Moore bible study this September. It's about the building of the tabernacle and why God chose to dwell among his people in the wilderness. It draws parallels between Eden, the Temple and the heavenly dwelling of God. It's kind of complicated, but good. I always like complicated things. So far we're in Exodus wandering around in the wilderness. But we're getting to the part where God instructs the Israelites how to build the tabernacle and the precise materials that it requires. As it turns out, I went to the wrong class on the first night. This is funny because I didn't realize it until a week later when I was doing the homework and none of my notes matched the book. And also funny because I'm usually very aware of these sorts of things. The church is offering two studies by Beth Moore. "Jesus the One and Only" and the one I was actually registered in on the Tabernacle. I was so absolutely fascinated by the teaching for the Jesus the One and Only intro session I didn't even begin to think..uhm, this doesn't seem to have anything to do with Exodus, the manna, grumbling and wilderness trekking. But the lesson did answer some questions that had been weighing on my mind about Malachi. I needed to know more about Malachi. But who admits that to anyone? How does that come up in normal conversation? Most people have no clue who Malachi even is. I know you can find out more about Malachi by reading all of those complicated commentaries that are thicker than the Bible itself. But that often has diminishing returns. I get so frustrated reading the commentaries, because the Bible scholars will cite like 6 other scholars while they are making their argument and explain why their interpretation is the best and the others don't make sense because they forgot this one minute detail in some passage somewhere or they forgot to take into account some obscure historical fact. I find it all exhausting. Just say what you mean to say. You do not need to bring in 6 other dead guys to prove your point.

I needed to know more about Malachi because we are studying the final 3 minor prophets in the Old Testament. My small group couldn't decide what to study next so we wrote all the names of the books of the Bible on paper and put them in a bag. We had to study whatever name we pulled out. It just happened to be Haggai. : ) Totally unexpected. Who is Haggai? Brilliant. After doing some research, we found that Haggai really should be studied along with Zechariah and Malachi. As they were all contemporaneous with one another, just after the end of the Babylonian captivity and the last three prophets of the Old Testament. Haggai and Zechariah were alive roughly at the same time and then Malachi follows soon after, from what I can recall. I thought we needed some help with Zechariah in particular, so I bought a commentary. Though, I didn't realize when I bought it online that it was bigger than the Bible and all the apocrypha combined. I used it for a few weeks, but then just gave up trying to follow what he was saying. I ran out of patience for the scholar's verbose and antiquated style of writing and I really wasn't getting a ton out of it for the amount of time it took for him to explain his point of view and why it was better than the 6 other dead guys' interpretations.

As we approached the final chapters of Malachi, I had this feeling that I was walking to the end of a cliff or a great chasm. In my Bible there is only one blank page and all of a sudden the New Testament happens. That's a big change. I wanted to know what happens in between, but apparently what happens is only 1 blank page worth of events. Not true at all. I now have 4 pages of scribbled notes about what happens between Malachi and Jesus, or Matthew 1. I'm so glad that even when I make mistakes, there's often (hopefully) purpose for that too.

If you read any of the final 3 prophets, Haggai-Zechariah-Malachi, you will quickly see that God is not very happy with the Israelites. He warns them over and over again to listen, but they will not and they harden their hearts and eventually he gives them over to their own devices. He sends a famine of His word as a result of their stubborn hearts and rebellious ways.

The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD, "when I will send a famine through the land— not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD. Amos 8:11

They refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and stopped up their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the LORD Almighty was very angry. Zechariah 7:11

God did not break covenant with Israel, but he did silence his voice for awhile. They did not receive a fresh word from the Lord for 400 years. Many key historical events took place during this time. It's a little too in depth to write about with the appropriate attention to detail and accuracy here. I will mention that Alexander the Great had the Hebrew scriptures translated into Greek, so it was now available to a much larger audience. Alex also introduced the concept of crucifixion by the cross. The Hellenistic culture was all the rage. Antiochus did some horrible things related to the temple. Herod the Great rose to power and he was unofficially dubbed "King of the Jews". He rebuilt the temple. Then, I don't know... it's really difficult to cover 400 years of history in a few sentences. All this was happening and the nation of Israel was in the midst of it, but they did not receive a fresh word from the Lord during this time.

A New Testament believer can easily see that all this was preparation for Christ. But it must have been difficult to be in the midst of these events. It would have been a time of unparalleled insecurity for them. Hearing the words of the Lord is what set them apart. It was a critical part of their identity. And relationship is wrapped up in communication.

Another aspect to this time of silence was a rise in legalism. By the time Jesus arrives on the scene in Herod's temple, the priests are extremely legalistic. The less we receive a fresh word the more legalistic we become. And we find a kind of security in our legalism.

This was also a time of unprecedented hunger. Though, God had a purpose for it. God will use a famine in one area of our lives to provoke a hunger in us for His Word.

It is important to define two different Greek words for time: Kairos and Chronos. Kairos is a season or period of opportunity. Chronos is the passing of moments, a period of measured time. While chronos is quantitative, kairos is qualitative. I just think this is fascinating. God had given the Israelites lots of kairos, or seasons of opportunity to follow Him. When kairos did not accomplish His purposes He used chronos time. 400 years of chronos time stand between the end of Malachi's ministry and the beginning of Jesus'. And this famine created a fullness of time. Time was not full until their spiritual stomachs were empty. And the amazing thing is after the 400 years, he didn't give up on them. That's when he entered the human story and reconciled everything again.

But when the time (chronos) had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir. Galatians 4:4-6

a dream is a wish your heart makes

2008-09-21T19:15:00.017-04:00

I finally found my way to the prayer station this Sunday. I didn't want to go until I was sure I was supposed to go. Also, the idea of receiving prayer with hundreds of people around does not immediately sound like fun, unless I know I need to be there. The sermon was on dealing with your ancestral past from the Living with your Honest to God Self Series. I was sort of thinking I should go and get prayer about whatever ancestral stuff I might have and maybe not even be aware of as Ken was talking, but I sort of made an agreement or promise to God that if I was literally called out at the end of sermon, then I'd go. So my mere inclination to go was not enough, because I will quickly find many excuses not to go unless I know for sure I'm supposed to be there.

At the end of this sermon, which was excellent, he described this person who has been going to this club for chronic self improvement. It's kind of like Bally's. And this person is constantly trying to self improve and do things better, eat better, etc. but it's not really going anywhere. And then there's this place like Cheer's, like a bar where you are just accepted and everyone knows your name. Jesus is the bartender pouring out kindness and every so often giving a pearl of wisdom. He said "You need to spend more time at this place receiving the kindness of the Lord and less time at the club for chronic self improvement. Then he quoted Romans 2:4. It is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance. Yes, that would be me. I still was questioning it though given that you always want those things to be about you, but they aren't necessarily. Then he added "I feel like this person plays the guitar and the flute." This is becoming even more interesting. I don't actually play the guitar at the moment, but I feel like I can. I have had some dreams of playing the guitar really well. The kind of playing that requires a nice guitar and lots of time practicing. I've always been a woodwind / piano / voice sort of musician so I'm a little scared of trying to play stringed instruments. Namely, I've wanted to learn the guitar and cello. But I know the guitar comes first right now. But after having a couple dreams about the guitar I just asked God to confirm that it was from him in some obvious way. I never really talked about it, but I had the impression that it would be confirmed by Ken on the stage at the Vineyard. (I realize that's easy to say now.) I just had a quick vision of that happening. And I thought..."I don't know how that's going to happen in a discreet way, but okay. I'll pay attention if that happens and I'll know this dream is from you." (I have dreams about shopping a lot so I know you can't be too hung up on dreams) But back to my story: Sure enough, a couple months later or thereabouts, really not sure of the time frame, it was confirmed. So then I knew I needed to obey and go the prayer station. And probably learn the guitar too. So I went. I wouldn't tell the person, which happened to be Jeff Fant's mom, too much about anything other than that I am pretty sure I'm the person Ken was just talking about. This is what happened from what I can recall.

She prayed for a couple minutes and then she said I have lots of grief but it's buried. She didn't have words to describe it because it was so strong, but just wept and said the God is weeping over me. She asked if I knew what that grief was about and I said I wasn't sure. (It's buried for a reason, you know.) She had the sense that part of it is from not being accepted. She didn't understand, because I'm beautiful. Then she said that I've been given ashes, but God intended gold for me. I'm so sensitive so I've internalized these ashes as truth. These ashes represent curses spoken over me from family members or other people in authority. I need to rebuke the curses. I need to refuse to accept "ashes" any longer and accept it as truth. It's really interesting that it was phrased like that. I immediately thought of Cinderella, which is a classic tale, not just a Disney story. The name Cinderella means ashes in all the Indo-European and Anglo-Saxon languages: Cinderella, Cenerentola, Aschenputtel, Cendrillon, etc. They all mean ashes or cinders. I know it's kind of silly, but maybe it isn't. But I didn't bring that part up. Then, this next part was also interesting. I didn't even go in for prayer with this on my mind. She said you have a creative side and you aren't using it. God wants to use that for the kingdom, the secular world too, but for the kingdom. A lot of this grief is the fact that you aren't expressing your creative side. She asked what I like to do. I mentioned I like writing. There are other things too, but I just stuck with that for the moment. Then she was praying and asked if I write poetry. No. "Well, you should try." She was kind of assertive about that. She described this creativity like a river, but it's been all stopped up inside of me by lies and curses. So I just need to keep writing and eventually it will be the pure word of God. At first it will be mixed with the stuff that's stopping up the river. Funny thing is this all relates to the book I read toward the beginning of the year, The Artist's Way. I read it, but I haven't recovered. It's like a 12 step creativity recovery program. I know it works if you really go through with it. I think I made a little progress. It was especially helpful meeting on a regular basis with other women from the church. I also gave the book to a friend and she is making huge strides with her writing. She went from a copy editing job to freelance writing, which she always wanted to do, but was too scared. But I kind of put that and any thoughts of actually doing creative stuff on a shelf. I'm always telling myself that I'm not good enough to do that or I don't have anything important to say anyway. But it doesn't seem to stay on the shelf. Just as I'm thinking, okay I'm going to do something else or not do creative type stuff, God reminds me that it's important. I don't even know what that means for me. I feel so uninspired sometimes. But it struck me that she said possibly most of this buried grief is because I haven't been using my creativity and that God wants to use my skills and abilities for the kingdom. I honestly don't feel like I have skills or abilities most of the time. I often just feel tired.

People think that it's cool that I have a degree in art history. But what they don't quite understand is that I chose art history because it was about art but I didn't actually have to produce art. It's a critique, analysis and study of art, but not creative in itself. It's cerebral, not active. Always my problem. It was a way to be close to something I like, but to not actually have to face the fear of failing at making the real thing. Also, I thought if I actually did become an artist one day I should study all of the art that has come before so that I was sure not to repeat anything or do anything stupid. While some of this is good, it shows a lack of trust in my own ability. I do appreciate all that I learned about art and I don't regret it, especially my summer in Florence traveling from church to church and city to city to see all the Renaissance art in Italy, but I kind of always knew it was the easy thing to do. So yes, I can write papers and essays on cubism, post impressionism, post modernism, expressionism, futurism...all the isms. But it still leaves me trapped in my head with all the isms and theories on art and what defines good legitimate art versus kitschy rubbish. I am still very much opposed to kitschy rubbish art and have nearly violent reactions when I see bad art or someone with bad taste. I don't know if I'd consider myself a visual artist. I have moments of inspiration, but mostly I like words. I think...

This idea of grieving because you are prohibited from using your creative gifts also tied in with a film I had just watched a few days prior. The Lives of Others. I won't get too much into the plot, but it involved the artist community in East Berlin. The Stasi were closely monitoring everything they did, every play, every piece of writing to make sure it wasn't subversive. If the artists wouldn't play their game, they were black listed. Many artists in East Berlin committed suicide during this time because they weren't allowed to use their gifts. In one case, a corrupt Stasi guy threatened to black list the lead actress if she refused to become an informant on her lover, a famous playwright. She agonizes over this decision, but in the end she betrays her lover because she can't stand the thought of being black listed and not being an actress. In the end she is overcome with shame and kills herself for the betrayal. It's a very powerful film. The lead protagonist, a Stasi agent, goes through this amazing transformation during the film and experiences art and music for the first time.

Back to the prayer...

Recap: Less chronic self improvement. More kindness. Guitar. Flute. Buried, unspeakable Grief. Not being accepted. Very sensitive. Internalized the ashes as truth. Rebuke the ashes / curses / lies. God intends Gold. Creativity. Poetry / Writing. Stopped up river.

She also said I have the gift of prophecy. I kind of am aware of this, but it's mostly personal in nature. I often have an impression of a person before I meet them, sometimes years in advance. I think about 8 years in advance in a most notable instance. I have a vague impression of their outlines and a few details. Not the random people I meet, the more important relationships. Sometimes I have the sense of how long they will be in my life and then fade away. I might have the idea of a place I will work at. Or when I drove over the 35W bridge a month before it collapsed, I felt like I was falling when I drove over it. Random stuff. I do appreciate this. I usually have dreams about people to warn me just before a betrayal. But this is all personal stuff. I feel like the gift of prophecy should be for the church at large. She said that usually it starts on a personal level. And, I just want to add, I don't know everything that is going to happen in my life. That's crazy. Like I see to a certain point or some things, but then it's blocked. Not bad blocked, just not visible. Eclipsed by a bright light sort of thing. Or sometimes I forget all together that I had a vision of something happening but then the Holy Spirit reminds me when it's important. So yeah. I'm sure lots of people would think I'm crazy if I told them any of this. Also, it all becomes clouded if I get too caught up with earthly things.

And there is more: she said that she normally doesn't tell people this, but she told me to not listen to anyone. Not for a awhile. Maybe a few trusted and mature people, but don't listen to anyone else. I think she was referring to writing, but it might be about my dreams in general.

This was all good. Even the grief and ashes part, because at least it's being addressed. But I have to say that I was pretty overwhelmed. I found a Yamaha grand piano at Angela's friend's house that afternoon. I soooo love pianos and it was such a treat to play a Yamaha grand piano for a few minutes. A book of Disney songs just happened to be there. : ) I found that one classic one from Cinderella, A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes...sigh. I am thoroughly indoctrinated by Disney themes and music, as I've been to Disney World probably 7 times in my life time.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

Rocks and Roots

2008-09-01T18:37:00.055-04:00

I promised a few people and myself that I'd type up some notes from the conference I went to August 1-2. I was pretty tired, because I stayed up until 3 am moving the night before, but I didn't want to miss this and it kept me motivated to keep moving. So here are my belated notes. I forgot some things, but the main bullet points are there.

Beth Moore did a live simulcast event from Louisville with Living Proof Ministries. The program was broadcast to 715 locations. I forget the total number of viewers, but it wasn't a small number. Each event is different and she receives a unique word for each event, so I wasn't sure what this one would be about. I always get so much out of her teaching and books, I knew it would be good. The teaching was entirely on Luke 8:1-15. The Parable of the Sower. She gave 7 principles about how to allow God's Word to have a complete harvest in your life. Here are some of my notes. I’ll do my best to convert it from my scribbles in my notebook to a blog. Sometimes all I have are scripture references, but that's probably okay.

Introduction

As I was going into freak out mode in my head and stressing myself out imagining how I’d suddenly be broke and lose my job now that I have to pay for my own place, she just announced very assertively “Remember, He has made us women of means and substance.” It just really spoke to me and hit me right were I was spending a ton of energy worrying. I think she just read the part about the women who were helping to support Jesus' ministry out of their own means in verse 3. I like how she can take a seemingly innocuous little turn of phrase from Scripture and proclaim its truth and power. There's a lot you can skim over and not really think about what it means. So yes, means and substance. Not broke and insubstantial.

Here's the parable before the meaning is interpreted.

A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.

Other places where this idea of producing a crop or harvest 100 times what was sown.

Hundredfold Harvest

I’ve often thought about the concept of harvesting, but not necessarily a literal 100 fold harvest. Hundredfold harvest is defined early on in the Bible. In Genesis 26:12 God blessed Isaac because he was obedient and as a result a hundred fold harvest was produced. In Mark 10:28-31, Jesus says that whatever you have left behind for his sake will be returned 100 times. In this passage, material things are mentioned like homes and fields but I think there is far more emphasis placed on relationships. Whatever relationships or family you have left behind will be returned a hundred times in this present age.

I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. Mark 10:29-30

I really like this from Hosea. It clearly, yet poetically states what the fruits of your labor will be depending on what you sow: righteousness or wickedness.

Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,

and break up your unploughed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes and showers righteousness on you.

Hosea 10:12-13

Beth focused on “break up your unploughed ground.” What have you not let God touch in your life? If we are honest, we have not let God in certain areas or allowed him to go deeper in certain areas of our lives. It’s not really possible to plant seed that will produce a harvest in soil that hasn’t been plowed and broken up.

But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength and on your many warriors.

I just noticed this next part of this passage in Hosea that defines how we have sown wickedness and thus reaped evil and eaten the fruit of deception. “Because you have depended on your own strength…” Scary. It’s so easy to start leaning on your own strength. But this is actually defined as sowing wickedness and the fruit is deception.

The 7 Principles drawn from the Parable of the Sower

1. Treasure the Wonder

Treasure the Word of God. But never separate the Word of God from the heart of God.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16

thoroughly equipped means artios exarizo in the original Greek, which literally means competently competent. Somehow artios exarizo sounds so much better then our tamed down English version.

2. Protect Your Heart

v.12 Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved.

You may hear the Word, but then allow the devil to take it from your heart before it really gets into your heart. The agenda of the devil is “so they may not believe and be saved.” "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

I have hidden your word in my heart so that I may not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

“Faith and freedom are inseparable. Your faith is [something] to your freedom.” Hmm… I can’t read my writing. “Stntegre”. Your faith is stntegre to your freedom. Hope that makes sense. : ) Your faith is so key to your freedom that there isn't even a word for it.

3. Expect the Test

v. 13 Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away.

I like how she says we must expect the test. It's better to expect a trial or temptation than to pretend it won't happen. If you don't expect the time of testing, you are far more likely to fall away.

God will give you trials to make you stand.

Satan will tempt you to make you fall.

Has Satan got any dirt on you? When God pours his Spirit out on you he turns that dirt into soil.

This period of testing is to burn out any “fake” in us.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

4. Dig the Roots

I’ve often wondered how do you have deeper roots? She made this statement that made perfect sense. The roots are as deep as you are completely and thoroughly convinced that God loves you. They are as deep as you know that you know that you know God loves you.

[Paul to the Ephesians] And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

5. Stop the Choke

v. 14 And the seed that fell in the weeds—well, these are the ones who hear, but then the seed is crowded out and nothing comes of it as they go about their lives worrying about tomorrow, making money, and having fun. (The Message)

The two primary things that choke the Word we’ve received are anxiety and the cares of this world. Anxiety chokes the Word right out of us. Also, the cares of this world and always insisting that everything feels good will choke the Word. Our temptation is to always want life to feel good. We sometimes have a hedonistic view of life. But we have been given true riches in Christ. 1 Corinthians 1:4-9

6. Retain the Word

v. 15 But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. (NIV)

Noble and Good Heart is Kalos and Agathos in Greek.

Kalos = beautiful, harmonious

Agathos = Beneficial

There are destiny words we receive from God and also daily, abiding words. Ask for 2-3 verses to sustain you for the day. It's best to sow God's Word in the morning. The soil is more fertile in the morning before the cares of the day start taking your attention.

The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back. Isaiah 50:4

7. Press forth to your 100 fold harvest

It takes time. Your harvest will only come with perseverance.

Well, those are basically my notes. Maybe I should have typed them up a month ago so I would have remembered more of the stuff in between the main points. It was such an excellent teaching to receive.

I came away thinking I need to spend more time in the Word, because I get really lazy about it. But then when I actually do, I wonder why I'd want to do anything else...but then time happens and I don't spend nearly enough time studying the Bible. I'm always so refreshed when I actually do. I really should think about it more like water. I drink water every day, it only makes sense to think of God's Word like water. In fact, I take the time to make sure I only buy excellent waters from far away hopefully pure places, so I should be more careful with my reading too.

I also had the thought that it couldn't hurt to 'break up some unplowed ground' and ask for a deeper revelation of God's love. It just so happened that I was on my way to Tania's for a special prayer and fellowship time and both of these things were addressed. We each had to bring two of our favorite verses and talk about how they are meaningful to us. I didn't really have anything prepared but I've always liked Psalm 37 and Isaiah 55, so I talked about that. And everyone shared things from the Bible that have helped them over the years. After this Tania challenged us to pray in a different way, which totally freaked me out. We had to pray out loud for ourselves in front of everyone. No one was especially excited about doing this, but in the end it was good and she assured us that the Lord asked us to pray in this different way today. You had to be vulnerable, which I hate being. I thought I'd be unaffected but instead I had a complete break down. It was not a complete break down I suppose, but more than I'd like to have in front of people. Also, as we were praying, everyone was writing down on paper what they were receiving from the Holy Spirit. The messages I received were pretty powerful. And I have to say, Tania is pretty cool. A few moments after I felt the Holy Spirit sort of hovering over me (or however you want to describe it, it's really hot like fire) she looks at me and says very calmly "Amber, it seems you are ready." Then I had to be all vulnerable and pray in front of everyone for myself. It was good, but I felt like I died. I don't want to share everything in the messages people wrote down in detail, but they more than answered my request about having a deeper revelation of God's love. I had to get to this rather vulnerable place for this to happen. I definitely felt some unplowed ground being broken up. But that's good, because then the roots can go deeper.

tales of a forgotten blogger

2008-08-28T22:32:00.012-04:00

Once upon a time I used to write blogs. what is a blog anyway? well, I have forgotten or maybe no one really knows. But I do know that it requires a certain desire to make your thoughts public, which I have not had lately. I must be regaining this desire as I type or I will be contradicting myself with every key stroke. I just misspelled stroke but you cannot see that because I reversed time and retyped it, then let time run normally after that.

What I've done with my sabbatical from blogging: thought about the blogs I'd like to write whenever I get around to it and feel inspired enough and articulate enough, painted, moved in to my own place, saved money on my car insurance (boring), bicycled, water colored, wasted vast amounts of time on facebook, stared at walls, I'm sure I've read at least one book, learned more about God, drove through the end of a rainbow, visited a shooting range, became an official card-carrying member of netflix, got more sleep (as I usually start blogging around the time I should be going to bed), asked myself a million times what I'm supposed to do with my life and many other questions I'd rather not repeat. I've probably done a lot more, but I can't remember what I've done because I haven't made little notes about it online to review periodically. In fact, I know I've done a lot more, or at least I know I have lots of comments and thoughts about the few things I did and/or didn't experience this summer. I have a long list of shoulds always floating around in my head. It becomes overwhelming to consider them all.

The whole blogging thing felt (feels?) futile. Everyone has a blog. Everyone writes at length about random stuff. Does the blogosphere really need another blogger? Especially one that made up a silly title that doesn't mean anything in particular?

Anyway - I'm starting to miss writing my silly blogs. If a blog is posted in the blogosphere and no one reads it, does it exist? I read it, so it exists. But what's the point of its existence? Oh I don't know...

a room with a view

2008-08-01T16:11:00.022-04:00

This is the view from my balcony and living room. It isn't Ann Arbor, but it definitely doesn't look like Ypsi, which it is. (actually, if you want to get technical, it's Pittsfield Township. So if I suddenly had children they would go to Ann Arbor schools : ). All I see when I look out are trees, a bit of lake, lawn and the pool, but mostly trees.

The hunt for a new place to live is finally over. It was my mini epic adventure. I ended up finding my own apartment after a lot of prayer and searching. Literally, every attempt I made at finding a roommate failed. I think I talked to about 6 or 7 potential roommates and one possible sublease. At one point in my search a really horrible Arabic man yelled at me in such a mean and unexpected way I cried for the rest of the night. I remember it clearly - threatening to ruin my nice July 4th weekend. That was the one not so possible sublease. Then, I even considered living with a mom and her 7 children and be a sort of live-in nanny, which I imagined would have been a lot like Maria and the Von Trapp family kids in The Sound of Music (there were 7 after all). They all are super cute and blond and blue eyed. But that didn't work out in the end either. It probably wouldn't have been quite the fairy tale I imagined in my head. I thought it would be a great way to learn how to take care of kids (since I have never ever watched kids) and save money on rent. Apparently, I was meant to have my own place and I'm trusting God will provide, because this is definitely more than I'm used to paying. I did find an excellent deal and really found favor, because the apartment people gave me a unit that was not marked for any discounts or specials. Ok - I'm still getting used to the whole Ypsi part of the deal. That was the trade off. I do miss my ultra safe northeast side of Ann Arbor neighborhood and feel displaced from my natural habitat. And try telling grandmothers or people who are not from around here how to spell and pronounce "Ypsilanti." It really is a strange word. But these details can be overlooked with time, because I have my own place.

It's pretty minimal at the moment. I have decided not to have a microwave or television. I do have a radio and I plan on getting a turntable so I can play records. I'm trying to keep electronical devices and other wave making machines to a minimum. Free wifi is coming from somewhere, not sure where, but I am thankful for it. Basically, I'm trying to keep everything free of anything I don't absolutely need or that would take a lot of electrons. And I am so thankful I don't have to deal with any made up rules regarding how to sit on sofas and the appropriate use of throw pillows. See my previous post "Pillow Fight" which references the Secret Throw Pillow Society's Manifesto and explains how my previous 2 roommates were honorary members of the society. I think I'm an anarchist in the world of throw pillows. And sort of a hippie with no microwave or television. I have not denied myself the privilege of having throw pillows however. Actually, my priorities on what to buy for the apartment have been more geared toward aesthetically pleasing additions than to practical necessities. For example, I have a fancy bamboo/teak tissue box cover and expensive candles, but I never bought a proper trash can for the kitchen. I just don't see the point of spending money on something that holds trash and that you never look at. I see those stainless steel trash containers for $100+ at the store and wonder why I need to enshrine my trash in a sort of decorative urn. Yet at the same time the plastic ones and almost all trash bins are so ghastly to look at. I am once again deeply conflicted. I resolved to buy one that I can hide away in the cabinet and that costs virtually nothing, but I secretly long to enshrine it in a stainless steel urn because I'm ridiculous.

pictures and things

2008-06-16T22:51:00.008-04:00

Oh... 10:51pm is not the greatest time in the world to start a blog or to not talk in run on sentences. I guess I'm just trying to sort things out. Every time I have been prayed over lately people have had images of eggs and/or nesting. A couple weeks ago, I was breaking out of an egg and experiencing the frustration of cracking out of the shell. Jorella added that I also jumped out of a cake in addition to breaking out of the egg or something like that. But then I was left with the thought over the past couple weeks. "Oh that's sad. One lonely egg."

Today, a couple weeks after me breaking out of an egg, someone saw a nest and the word nesting came to mind. I was in a nest being nourished and fed, but not alone it seemed. (I want to add that they were two completely different groups of people who don't know each other. I didn't tell the nesting person about the egg people.) This nesting business was in reference to me finding a place to live. She assured me the next place I live will be a nesting / nourishing place for my soul. Then, in a different vision/image someone saw a bare tree. There are small white and red flowers, but they weren't growing out of the tree. They had to be placed there or transposed onto the tree. I'm supposed to think about what that means. Tania will not tell me her thoughts until tomorrow, which is fine. I should mull it over in my head for awhile. The whole idea is pretty. But why aren't the flowers blooming from the tree itself? Why are they placed on it? And why are they white and red flowers? I've always liked that combination of colors. And they are highly symbolic colors.

In conclusion: I am breaking out of an egg. We will use the eggs to make a cake, which I will proceed to jump out of. I'll hang out in the nest for awhile and eat some cake. Perhaps, this nest will be placed in a bare tree which someone will place white and red flowers on. Who wants a nest in a tree without flowers?

No, I have not used any drugs recently. I did have some wonderful wine from Chile on Friday. I may read this back a week later and delete it. I'm a little confused. Or the left side of my brain is saying "wait this doesn't make sense! how silly to be a human who cracks out of an egg and this is why everyone thinks you're crazy" and the right side is saying. "awesome. it all makes perfect sense. I should paint it. "

I have to say this is an interesting collection of images. I kind of know what it means, but at the same time I'm scared of it. I've had clearer visions in the past. Or maybe they are only clear to me with the added advantage of hindsight and time. For instance, I didn't realize what the blue/white star-light image was until a month or so later. Even though I had asked for that specific thing. I asked for an abstract way to depict something very specific that happened almost 3 years ago. I was given the image twice. First, it dropped into my head, which I dismissed as randomness. Then, someone painted the exact vision. I am so forgetful or maybe the word is dense, that I didn't realize that I had gotten what I had asked for. It finally dawned on me what it was, the blue white star light, about a month later. I even asked for this, but alas, I forgot. I knew it had some meaning, but my ability to recall it felt blocked for 4-5 weeks.

So patience. God seems to have an endless supply of patience with me. I have very little patience. And it is very hard waiting.

a beautiful mess

2008-05-22T20:16:00.024-04:00

I am very certain I want to move, but I am beginning to have no clue as to where I will move in July. I made the decision that I absolutely must move somewhere, either alone or with a really cool roommate that I'd get along with. I keep finding really great opportunities, but then they just don't pan out. I don't want to live with just anyone and I don't want to throw tons of money into an apartment either. I am also hesitant to commit for 12 whole months. That seems so long. These were a couple of the possibilities that quickly became not so possible. I am especially confused about why Exhibit A did not work...

Exhibit A: I found a condo in one of my favorite parts of Ann Arbor on Huron Parkway / Glazier Way that was right on the water. To make things a bit more romantic, two swans had just built their nest right beside the patio facing the waterfront. The condo included the following musical instruments: a baby grande piano, guitar and violin. If I helped Ingrid (the woman who owns the condo who just happens to be a teacher, artist and vocalist) with extra things around the house, i.e. painting, pottery, gardening, etc., the rent would be reduced by quite a lot. In fact, the cheapest rent I have ever heard of paying in Ann Arbor, especially for such a place as this and in this neighborhood. You have no idea how much I have missed having a piano. I want to learn how to play acoustic guitar and that is there too. And I have wanted to learn how to do pottery (she had a pottery wheel as well). She was actually renting the master bedroom. During the interview, she seemed to really like me, but she did say that if a professional potter happened to be interested in the place she would give the professional potter preference. And it just so happened a day before I planned to secure the deal with my IRS bonus check, a professional potter showed up at her door unannounced with the deposit and rent. OK, I know that seems pretty far fetched, but this is what happened. The potter and Ingrid met previously and discussed things, but Ingrid wasn't expecting the potter to suddenly show up like that. Oh well, maybe I wouldn't have gotten along with her or I don't know, maybe the swans were rabid or something. I asked for a clear answer on it and that's what I got. But I just can't imagine a better situation, other than having my own place with a piano, a guitar and two mating swans just outside the window.

Exhibit B: Before that one, I looked at another condo that was nice, not quite as ideal, but nice. There was a baby grand in the club house that looked rather lonely. I was talking about this condo with a friend at my small group. We quickly became aware of this crazy coincidence. We realized that she had lived in the very same condo that I had just looked at the night before. My friend Laura from the Vineyard sold the condo to my other friend Laura from NorthRidge a few years ago. They didn't know each other at all outside of the business transaction. She told me all about the place and how they lugged a huge grand piano into the dining room. She apologized for the various paint color choices and talked about the flooring and other typical home owner concerns. Oh, and just to continue the pottery theme. Her last name was Potter. The Laura that currently resides there. This condo did not work out for a very good reason. My friend became engaged soon after I looked at the condo. The wedding will be this fall and I am very happy for her, yet still puzzled as to where I am supposed to live. And it must have absolutely nothing or maybe everything to do with potters and pottery.

I love this video for New Soul by Yael Naim. There's a big old piano in it. As she gets settled, the paper thin walls fall away. The walls she thought were old thick impenetrable walls just fall away. The theme of liberation and freedom is further developed as she releases the gold fish into the river. Then the music changes to a light airy chorus and the camera angle turns up to the clouds. I didn't know this song was used in the mac book air commercial when I fell in love with it, so it's ok. Apple is great at marketing new and nearly undiscovered talent. I first remember hearing this song when I was driving and it made me so happy. I had to find out more.

I like her other songs too, which are mostly in Hebrew. It's challenging to connect with Hebrew when you don't speak it at all. Nonetheless I do my best to sing along in Hebrew. It's a feeble attempt, but I enjoy it. I love the songs even if I don't know the precise meaning of the words. I had never heard Hebrew sung in this genre. I've heard a couple things sung straight out of Scripture, which were beautiful, but this is new and fresh.

Far Far is another great song by Yael Naim. It's speaks to my creative side. The side I hope never goes away, but I fear that if I ignore it for too long all of these random pictures or impressions of things I have in pictures/words/music will fade away and I will forget. I often dismiss anything I might have to say because it seems unimportant or maybe it's just the fear that chokes it. I like how she describes this sort of inner conflict as a beautiful mess. I also like how she acknowledges that her creativity comes from God.

Far far, there's this little girl she was praying for something to happen to her everyday she writes words and more words just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they take her, cover her, they are all over her the reality looks far now, but don't go...

How can you stay outside? there's a beautiful mess inside how can you stay outside? there's a beautiful mess inside

Far far, there's this little girl she was praying for something good to happen to her from time to time there are colors and shapes dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands they invent her a new world with oil skies and aquarel rivers but don't you run away already please don't go away

How can you stay outside? there's a beautiful mess inside how an you stay outside? there's a beautiful mess inside Take a deep breath and dive there's a beautiful mess inside how can you stay outside? There's a beautiful mess beautiful mess inside Oh beautiful, beautiful

Far far there's this little girl she was praying for something big to happen to her every night she hears beautiful strange music it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide but if it fades she begs "oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it" She says, "I guess i'll have to give it birth to give it birth i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth i guess i have to, have to give it birth there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

Just look at yourself now deep inside deeper than you ever dared there's a beautiful mess inside beautiful mess inside

deus ex machina

2008-04-02T21:58:00.008-04:00

It has come to my attention that I have not been writing. I don't know what to do about that but ramble on in a blog for awhile. I was working on a blog about this fascinating, life-changing experience I had with a lightning bolt, God and my computer, but I left it in rough draft mode for awhile. It often feels as if my entire life is in rough draft mode. God sending a lightning bolt to answer prayer is definitely a classic. It must be written. I will write a rough draft of it. I am sure my inner perfectionist can make a better version of my life and this story on some future perfect day, but today is going to be another rough draft day so today I can write the rough draft version of this story.

Several years ago as I sat in my house by the computer, I asked God if he cared about the moral direction of my life. I was about 13 or some sort of vague adolescent year. It's all a blur really. But in all the blurriness I discovered that talking to strange and random people, especially men, in chat rooms and instant messenger was interesting and exciting. America Online was quickly becoming a sort of addiction. But then I started feeling convicted or dishonest about the whole thing. Nothing bad ever happened, but I had a very strong sense that maybe this wasn't such a good idea at my age and if this sort of thing were to continue, something bad would happen. Yet at that very same moment, I didn't really want to stop and wasn't sure I could do it on my own without some outside help. So I asked God if he cared about this online chatting business and also if he cared about the general moral direction of my life, since that's what really was at stake here. I should add that I wasn't officially saved at this point in my life. So this was really the "are you really there or what!" prayer. "Are you listening to me or just to all the other people?"

I had the impression that I should not be touching the computer. That was good. I sat there in my chair and waited a couple seconds to see if God was going to answer my questions about this computer business and everything else. A moment later I saw a bolt of lightning strike right outside the window and suddenly the entire computer lit up with loads of bright electricity. Then, it gave its last breath and died. I think I was frozen in shock for awhile. At the time I was scared and wondered if it was just some freak coincidence. Now I am pretty sure that was God. Then, I decided to listen more closely to what God had to say, because He has the power to send lightning in very precise locations. It only fried my computer. Nothing else in the house was damaged, even though it struck somewhere outside on the front lawn. The power didn't even go out in the rest of the house. I just saw it strike right outside the window and then go straight through the computer.

Soon everyone in the house knew about it, but I didn't tell anyone I had some idea why the lightning struck and fried the computer. I didn't want to get in trouble. We did get a new computer - a nicer and faster one, but I think it goes without saying I never engaged in that sort of anonymous online communication again. Chat rooms and talking to people I do not know from real life is completely off limits. The idea is not even attractive to me, but at that age it was a huge temptation.

I didn't know how God was going to show up in that moment, but I remember it being important to me that He did. I would have been disappointed because I needed a Father and not a passive one. He promised to be our Father in Heaven and I was calling Him out on that promise. That was an extremely affirmative "Yes, I care! [with a lightning bolt as an exclamation mark]" I still had a lot of doubts about Christianity and the Church, especially the people in the Church, but I couldn't deny this. And if I couldn't deny this, there were many other things I couldn't deny. It was an important step in the right direction. Admitting that I had to surrender my will, actually surrendering my will and then telling someone about it happened a few years later. It was hard trusting anyone outside of myself, but it happened and it is slowly happening. I was 16 and it was early spring. That's about 10 years, less about 4 years for college party times. Ok, so it's really 5-6 years then? I don't think God does math quite like that, which is a very good thing. But I do. I think about the time lost during college. Or, I can look at the brighter side of things. There are many lessons from the college party times that I most definitely won't have to re-learn. Even during that time, I felt I could only go so far and so long before I would be brought back.

OK - that's the rough draft of my lightning bolt story. Moral of the story: do not ask God if he cares and/or if He really exists if you are near expensive computer technologies. I suppose you could get insurance for acts of God. Do they have such a thing? Deus ex Machina Insurance perhaps.

Bach's Matthæus Passion

2008-03-21T23:21:00.009-04:00

I went to see Bach's St. Matthew Passion at the Hill Auditorium tonight. It closely follows chapters 26 and 27 from the Gospel of Matthew using the Luther Bibel 1545 translation. The complete text from Matthew is included while several arias and hymns were added to the original text.

There was a big snow storm just before the concert began. Every street in Ann Arbor was a parking lot. I left earlier than I normally would, but I had no idea it would take me 45 minutes to go a few miles. I was stressing myself out because UMS sent an email asking that people arrive on time or they wouldn't seat you until intermission, which is a terrible punishment. However, several key musicians were missing, so they delayed start time by over 30 minutes, which was a relief. It would have been nice to do know that sooner. I literally sprinted from Liberty to Hill Auditorium to meet Matt and Sarah. The stage was filled with a myriad of musicians: the UMS choral, a childrens choir, the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and 5 soloists. I wish I wasn't writing about it so long after the fact because I am positive some of my thoughts on it have floated off somewhere. I was a dork and printed the complete German - English text for everyone. I didn't realize they would project the English above. We still liked having it printed out, because we could follow along with the German and read a more literal English translation. The translation they projected had a simplified, paraphrased style.

These are my two favorite arias: "Erbarme Dich" and "Aus Liebe." Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find good examples on youtube.

Erbarme dich,
Have mercy Lord
Mein Gott, um meiner Zähren willen!
My God, because of this my weeping
Schaue hier,
Look thou here
Herz und Auge weint vor dir
Heart and eyes now weep for thee
Bitterlich.
Bitterly.

"Aus Liebe" is so beautiful. Bach is brilliant with word painting. This is simply soprano and woodwinds. I think Kiri Te Kanawa's version with the Chicago Symphony is the best I know of.

Aus Liebe,
For love,
Aus Liebe will mein Heiland sterben,
For love my Savior is now dying,
Von einer Sünde weiß er nichts.
Of sin and guilt He knows not.
Daß das ewige Verderben
So eternal desolation
Und die Strafe des Gerichts
And the sinner's righteous doom
Nicht auf meiner Seele bliebe.
Shall not rest upon my spirit.

During most of the concert voice is always accompanied with instrumentation. Most appropriately, a noticable vacuum of music surrounded these words sung by Jesus: "Eli, Eli, lama asabthani?" There was complete silence. Then the Evangelist repeated: Mein Gott, mein Gott, warum hast du mich verlassen?

The random mussings I wrote in Italian the next morning. Not sure why it's in Italian, that's just how it came out.
E' 22 Marzo, 2008 (il sabato tra venerdi santo e Pasqua) Ho visto, ho sentito La Passione San Matteo di Bach ieri sera. Aus Liebe. "Cristo fa tutto out of love. Erbarme dich e Aus Liebe sono le arie piu belle. Voglio imparare cantare almeno Erbarme dich. Aus Liebe, la voce soprano con flauto e altri strumenti di vento. Era molto delicata ma allo stesso tempo forte. Wunderbarlich. Erbarme dich, la voce mezzo-soprano con violino. Non ho le parole descriverla. Ma, e' eterna. Penso di la gente che vivevano in quel tempo, circa 1727. Questa musica divina era una meditazione comunale da una cultura meno meno individualista.

Falling Slowly

2008-03-08T23:39:00.014-05:00

I rented Once today. Two people meet on the streets of Dublin and it was kismet. Their paths only intersect briefly, which was rather bittersweet. The film is full of so much wonderful music. I love the song Falling Slowly from the film. It won Best Original song at the 2008 Academy Awards

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Enchanted

2008-03-07T23:37:00.021-05:00

Enchanted was the in-flight movie on the way home, which was a perfect transition. I must leave the fairytale tropical island and return to Detroit. I had to be reminded that there is such a place as Detroit and that it is not quite like the magical island in the big blue sea.

Narration: "Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom known as Andalasia, there lived an evil queen. Selfish and cruel, she lived in fear that one day her stepson would marry and she would lose her thrown forever. And so she did all in her power to prevent the prince from ever meeting the one special maiden with whom he would share true love's kiss." (voice of Julie Andrews)

Giselle is your archetypal Disney princess. She sings all day with the animals in the forest about her one true love whom she has never met but is absolutely certain he exists and that he will eventually find her even though she lives in a tree house in the forest with lots of animals then they will sing a perfect duet together and exist in an eternal happily ever after state. When she finally does meet Edward, the evil step mother (Susan Sarandon) is jealous of her so she banishes her to Manhattan, the land of never happily ever after, and forms a cabal to have her killed. Erstwhile, characters are traveling between the fairytale animated world and Manhattan through a waterfall / manhole. (I guess it's just the way you look at it?) I loved when Prince Edward attacked a city bus, because he thought it was a wild beast. He also thought the tv was a magic mirror and had complete conversations with it. One scene was reminiscent of Mary Poppins / Cinderella, but with a twist. Giselle sang and at once the New York wildlife came in droves to come clean up the apartment: roaches, rats, pigeons, etc. The animals sang along with her in perfect Disney harmony. Eventually the party moves to central park. At this point Patrick Dempsey starts accepting the fact that Giselle really did come from the land of Andalasia and is a real princess after all. Many classic Disney scenes make cameos throughout the film. There's a film-still comparison at imdb.

Ultimately, the dynamic between Giselle, Patrick Dempsey, his fiancee and Giselle's fiance was interesting and made a few good points. The film lived in this sort of quasi-reality, quasi-dreamlike state. I thought it was really creative and enjoyable. I liked it because it struck a balance between cynicism and romanticism.

In the end, Giselle decides the reality of Manhattan and the complexity of the man she meets there were worth staying for. Patrick Dempsey's fiancee moves to Andalasia with Prince Edward and chooses to have her happy ending there. That just neatly ties things up at the end and allowed for that classic final scene.

Hawaii - Day 5

2008-03-06T23:33:00.030-05:00

This is my last day in Hawaii...sigh. It went by so fast. We had a relaxing breakfast at the inn. I loved this hotel because it was so laid back. Of course I liked the big resort hotel, but this felt cozier. We met a couple people in the breakfast / dining room. We had a chance to talk to a Canadian construction consultant and a hedge fund manager from Greenwich village who was training for the iron man. They were both so interesting and smart. However, I was starving because all the food was attack-of the-glutens food. I soon found really delicious food in the town: black Angus burger, coffee & vanilla gelato and then banana cream pie at a real bakery. That was the last good food I had in Hawaii. We tried poi, some strange salmon concoction and Hawaiian style pork but I thought it was the most repulsive thing ever. Poi is purple. I still am very cautious when it comes to purple food, aside from grapes. And I don't eat pork. There must be a good reason for it not being kosher. And the salmon tasted like a fish monger's shoes. But this is ok. Almost all the food in Hawaii was amazing with only a couple disappointments. I just hated to end on a sour note. My culinary honorable mentions: the coffee in Kona, the fusion sushi, fresh papaya, Portuguese sausage, chocolate covered espresso beans at the coffee farm, barbecued Hebe fish, gelato in Hawi, the best omelet I've had in months and the water from the Waipio River.

There were several interesting shops in Hawi. I walked into "Star Light - crystals and other rare treasures" on a whim. The colorful orbs brought me in.

I was immediately drawn to a small collection of green amethyst, or prasiolite. This is rare. Amethyst is almost always purple, which I don't especially like. But these were green. I did some research. It is either heat-treated purple amethyst or prasiolite. I prefer to call it green amethyst.

The Hawaiian language and culture is everywhere on the island. I thought it would be restricted to tourist activities, but the indigenous culture really is alive there. This sign is cute "mahalo for not smoking."

This is Ishmael the flute maker. We are outside a natural foods store in Waimea.

I liked Ishmael and his bamboo flutes. I have been wanting to get a wooden flute for awhile. I bought a simple alto flute. It has a open organic sound. He made it just the week before on 2/24/08 and it's signed Ishmael : )

On the way back to Hilo and to the volcano park we stopped at an orchid nursery.

Kilauea hasn't erupted since 1924. And I'm pretty sure they weren't expecting it to any time soon. We just missed the explosion by a mere two weeks. It would have been to exciting to see the explosion last week. It happened somewhere out in the black of this relatively inactive looking crater.

I am standing by the sleeping volcano crater. I do remember wondering if it would ever erupt again and feeling a strong energy there...or maybe it just was the smell of sulfur in the air. Well, it did erupt. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't gone to the creative recovery / therapy for blocked creatives group tonight. Renee mentioned that kilauea recently erupted after Jorella painted a volcanic composition. I was just there. : ) Learning about it at this point in time was perfect as I am retro-blogging. I just happened to be right at the place in my blogs where I'd be talking about visiting the volcano. Before, I didn't have anything terribly interesting to talk about. So clearly, my presence at the volcano caused some sort of seismic activity and awakened a volcano that had been sleeping for 80 years. (just kidding) At least Kilauea made a breakthrough. She was blocked for 80 years and finally had a chance to blow off some steam. [I must mention that the last time I took a trip somewhere another catastrophic event occured. The Minneapolis bridge collapsed a couple weeks after I drove over it. I love near misses with catastrophic events.]

I am learning about synchronicity. I've been hearing about it from random, unexpected sources for the past couple weeks. It's my new favorite thing. Maybe it has always been my favorite thing, but I didn't know it. But one must be careful. Not all synchronous events have meaning. Though, I am not sure I believe that coincidences have no significance at all. Synchronous events just remind me of God's perfect timing for everything.

This is kilauea after Pele, the volcano goddess, blew off some steam.

This picture was taken inside a lava tube. It's a sort of cave created by lava flows. Steph was extra adventurous and climbed into a tunnel without lighting. She followed a group who had head lamps on, but she didn't have anything to guide her. She was down in some scary cave for 20 minutes or so without any light. Yeah, I didn't go down there.

The trees were pretty and rainforesty. There was so much green life near the volcanoes. Rainfall is quite heavy in the area of the island.

I asked Stephanie to look excited about going back to Detroit. We must leave this magical paradise and return to grey Michigan.

Hawaii - Day 4

2008-03-05T23:31:00.014-05:00

We started the day by going to an organic kona coffee farm in the morning.

This is baby kona coffee. It will one day become a delicious cup of coffee.

This is coffee before it's roasted. It's on the gravity table.

This is coffee being roasted. I learned the darker the roast is, the less caffeine it has. It's processed out. The lighter roasted coffees have more caffeine. I prefer something in between I think. The little salamander must like coffee too, because he was hanging out and enjoying the scent near the coffee roaster.

We finally went to a white sand beach. We only had one afternoon though. Hapuna Beach is beautiful. It has big waves and white sands. We saw another hump back whale playing in the water. A humpback whale kept jumping high in the air. I didn't get a picture, but it looked like this, just further away. I wonder why they jump. Is it just for the joy of it?

First we tried to contend with the waves without boogie boards, but that was nearly impossible. Even with the boards, I don't know how many times I was completely thrown to the ground and washed ashore. I loved it. I love huge waves and salt water. I had to devise a strategy for keeping everything on me that belonged to me. : ) It was difficult. At one point I was so beaten by the waves I had to sit down for 20 minutes, because I was almost certain I had a concussion. : ) The water was so powerful you just had to let it go through you, if that makes any sense. All my hands were occupied with my boogie board, my holding onto swim suit strategy and trying to swim, that I couldn't simply hold my nose when a wave pulled me under. The current is too strong to fight with lung power alone. When a strong wave pulled me under, I had to let the water go through my head and then try to cough it out later. I know it's gross. It was very cleansing. People do saline solution sinus cleanses all the time. I did about 20 that day. Now this is the gross part. I was standing outside over an hour after we were done with the water. I tipped my head to the side and a bunch of salt water poured out of head from the recesses of my brain. I was concerned it was spinal fluid. I tasted it to be sure. LOL - what does spinal fluid taste like? Well, unless spinal fluid is really salty, it wasn't spinal fluid. I don't think it would be that salty, because it drains into your blood. I am assuming this after reading about the brain for 3 minutes on wikipedia. It makes sense though. Sea water contains 3 times as much sodium as human blood. Spinal fluid wouldn't be as salty as sea water if it drains into your blood on a daily basis, which it does. Weird. Conclusion, my spinal fluid was not leaking out of my nose.

This is the sunset on Wednesday night at Kapa'a Park near Hawi.

We were in luck because it just happened to be barbecue and blues night at the cute little hotel we stayed at in Hawi. The Blues Hound played for the evening. He was a one man band, but he was really good. Definitely several steps above a busker, or street musician. (more funny words from dictionary.com that often fit my days) We had this delicious fish I never heard of before, hebe. All the food was so good and fresh. I miss it.

Later Stephanie and I returned to kapa'a park to see the stars and look at the vastness of the universe. Again, I love the Hawaiian night sky. It's so dark you can see so many stars and constellations.

Hawaii - Day 3

2008-03-04T23:28:00.018-05:00

Today we decided to go kayaking. We found a place to go within walking distance of the hotel and signed up for a 3 hour tour. : ) Here we are setting out. We opted for single kayaks because Stephanie and I have tried double kayaks in the past. It just doesn't work. Shortly after we started we saw hump back whales jumping. There was a mother and baby whale. The mom jumped a couple times and then she was teaching the baby whale to do a tail slap. They are so majestic. We saw a big tail slap followed by a little tail slap. They must be huge, because we saw them from far away, but they still seemed really big. They were out there in the blue somewhere.

We headed around the bay to an area where there is cliff jumping and sea caves. We had the option of cliff jumping from 40 ft in the air into very tumultuous water. I opted out, but Stephanie did jump. I was a lot more scared than I thought I'd be. At another bay we were to get out snorkel around and stuff. I wanted to, but I was scared of being in such a large ocean. So I sat there in the boat for a few minutes. That didn't last very long because suddenly my kayak just flipped over. That was fun. I'm not scared of the water. It's being out in the ocean knowing there are big fish out there. So I swam as close to the surface as possible.

Here you can see our attempt at taking an underwater photo. You can make out Steph's snorkeling goggles, my arm and foot. I like the light on the water.

For dinner we asked where to get good sushi. There are lots of sushi restaurants, but I'm glad we found this one, Sushi en Fuego. We had this sushi that was like latin-japanese-italian fusion. Ahi tuna, avocado, wasabi, something else with a creamy garlic aioli sauce. And they also had $2 mai tais. My grandmother has an extremely low tolerance... She had half a drink and she immediately becomes rambunctious and says anything and everything that comes to her mind.

Another great sunset. When the light is right, you see a big green flash when the sun hits the ocean. It has to be completely clear. We didn't see a green flash, because it was a little cloudy.

After this, I hit a car with my car. I am once again so fortunate, because the owner of the car didn't care. I was backing out and hit a little Honda with my big Chevy Uplander. I dented his bumper. We may have sort of backed out into each other. He gave me a little lecture and then said "ah, it's just a car anyway." Wow. Gotta love grace. I must add that my grandmother was shouting something at the time of the incident and causing general trouble in the back. So that was distracting. Well, and I'm not totally sure that I was not under the influence of the mai tais at that point. Further, I was really sun burnt and tired. But enough with the excuses. I'm so glad he didn't feel the need to report it because I'm not sure I could have walked away with my probity in tact. I would have lied to the cop about the probable mai tai effect and I hate lying.

Hawaii - Day 2

2008-03-03T23:26:00.016-05:00

It is monday in Hawaii. I awoke to the sound of ocean waves because we had an absolutely wonderful room with two ocean front patios on either side of the room. So all night we had the doors wide open and the breeze flowing through. We paid $0 / night for this "preferred guest" room because Steph's mom had points. I was hoping for an ocean front room, but wasn't sure if that would be granted since we were intending on paying nothing for the room. Apparently, we had an extra special room because we were preferred guests. The room exceeded my expectations because we had 2 patios right over the water. We bought an air mattress and took turns sleeping outside, because the weather was perfect for sleeping outside at night and there are hardly any bugs in Hawaii.

We stayed here in a corner room. : )

They brought us fruit.

We went shopping in Kona, because we were still recovering from the hike. This was not very labor intensive. Most of it was typical touristy Hawaiian stuff, but I really had fun with the pearl hunting. Stephanie paid $5 to open an oyster and found a big black pearl, which is fairly rare.

She was going to set it in a pendant. As a bonus for almost setting it in a white gold pendant, I opened another oyster.

So I looked in the bowl and asked God which one to open, because asking strange questions and praying for silly, yet very specific things is my specialty. And it must have worked, because I found a perfect match for Steph's first black pearl. She made these awesome black pearl earrings in a white gold setting.

Then it was my turn. I asked God for some help again. It was just fun. I had no expectations. Initially, I was disappointed that my oyster only had one small white pearl. I thought it was anti-climatic.

I had no idea oysters could have more than one pearl inside. The oyster I opened actually had 2 pearls. Blue and pink. I thought that was so absolutely adorable. Like a little boy and girl pair. I didn't want to set them in anything though, so they stay in a little zip lock bag. And this sort of reinforced my silly salt shaker dream. And they even used salt to clean each pearl as it came out of the oyster.

Pearls are really cool symbolically, biologically and even biblically speaking. This very beautiful and highly valued gem is created when an impurity enters the mollusk. I think this is interesting in and of itself. Black pearls are particularly recherche and the fact that we found two in a row is even more amazing. Then, I opened twin pearls. The whole experience was just so fun and it felt blessed. I researched the significance of pearls, because I didn't really know anything about them.

The kingdom of heaven is compared to finding a rare pearl in the Parable of the Pearl, which I wasn't very familiar with. I also found this in wikipedia: "The pearl itself is a beautiful, single entity, formed through suffering in the heart of the oyster... and like the Church will be put on display in a coming day. Unlike precious stones which must be cut and polished to reveal their clarity and beauty, the pearl is perfect as it comes from the oyster...symbolizing the formation of the Assembly by the hand of the Holy Spirit of God." For me this related to my banquet table dream with the salt shakers, because that too was set by non-human hands. And in one part of the dream I watched as this one pepper shaker was being purified slowly. The darkness of the pepper was being filtered out and replaced with white salt.

Later that evening we watched a beautiful sunset from our hotel room.

Then jumped on the beds...

Then we went swimming in the super awesome pool with two water slides, water falls and simulated beach. We didn't want to pay for the expensive luau dinner and show at the hotel, but we found it anyway. We just left the pool and walked toward the music. It was outdoors on a green lawn. I think we had a lot more fun watching it barefoot on the green grass in our bathing suits than we would have had paying and sitting down for a formal dinner. We were free to dance and do cart wheels and act like kids. We caught the last 2 scenes and the finale. That too was a lot more beautiful and elegant than I had expected.

Hawaii - Day 1

2008-03-02T23:25:00.041-05:00

This is the first real day of my vacation in Hawaii. We started out in Hilo and then traveled toward the other side of the island to Kailua-Kona as night approached.

First, we went to see falling water.

Water doesn't actually fall this way in Hawaii. I just have magical camera skills. If you listen, you can hear my grandmother talking. She is very garrulous. As garrulous as the Akaka Falls is tall and beauteous. (sorry, but it's true) Hmm... I wonder how long water has been falling here? Below is Rainbow Falls. A rainbow sometimes appears in the morning over the falls.

Then we found interesting trees to sit in. There a lots of banyan trees in this part of the island. You can see the aerial roots hanging down.

We took time to reenact a decisive sugar cane battle.

And found giant flowers that look like candy and bursts of ribbon.

After this we were on our way to the much anticipated Waipio Valley. In order to enter the valley you must drive a 4x4 vehicle or hike it. I thought hiking would be more adventurous. The initial hike down is about 1 mile at 25 %. I read about it being arduous and very difficult, but I didn't believe them. The park rangers laughed at us a little before we went in. They didn't like our shoes. We were supposed to have better shoes. I was wearing flip flops. I changed to some sort of red Croc, but now I agree with the park ranger's shoe fashion recommendations.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to explore more of the valley and hike the internal trails, but the Waipio was definitely one of the best experiences of the trip. I would have liked to spend a day or two here. We hardly saw any sign of civilization, apart from a few portable bathrooms near the beach. Actually, it was really funny. They were placed right next to ancient burial grounds. There is a sign that warns you not to drive over this area of land because it is an ancient burials grounds. Waipio Valley is also referred to as the "valley of the kings" because the royalty used to live and die here. That's great, but I was so happy to see bathrooms - atop ancient burials grounds or not. So I used the portable bathroom. It was the most exciting bathroom visit of my life. After I was in and locked the door, I looked up and saw a giant poisonous spider. It was big and black with bright yellow stripes. Several of its past victims were hanging in little cocoons around it's massive web. Though I didn't leave. I looked at it and it didn't seem to be moving, so I stayed and kept my eyes on it the entire time. Anyway, that would be quite a spectacular way to go. I could be buried alongside Hawaiian royalty. It would be so convenient and mystical at the same time.

I don't know for sure, but I think my bathroom friend was a female Argiope appensa. It was very similar if not. It's the big spider in the picture below. Funny how the female is large and bright in the spider world. In the bird world, it's just the opposite. I didn't have enough gumption to go back in with my camera to get the real photo in medias res. They look funny. The female looks like she's wearing makeup and the male looks like he is balding and wearing a goatee. Maybe I'm just seeing things, but it looks like they have faces.

This is the Happyface spider. I didn't see one personally, but it's also found in Hawaii. They have faces too.

This is the most peaceful beach I've ever visited. There is hardly anyone around and you feel totally hidden away. This is where the Waipio River pours out into the ocean.

And then turn around and see this. But I do remember it being greener. The camera didn't have enough pixels to take in all the beauty.

I reclined on the beach and tried to take everything in. I just feel silly trying to describe it. But it was edenic. There was a gentle breeze. I was sitting there thinking nothing could be more beautiful or calming, then a monarch butterfly flew by. I also loved the fresh water feature. We tried to cross it by walking on the rocks, but we didn't quite make it. The water was so clean and pure. It's so rare to feel good about drinking fresh water found in nature. So we did and it was so absolutely delicious.

Stephanie had to pry me away from the beach. She was smart and knew we only had a certain amount of time before night fall. The hike back up would take a lot longer than the hike down. On the way back I saw these trees. I thought they were symbiotic, but I think it's more epiphytic. It looks like the beginning of something like a banyan tree, which start their lives as epiphytes. It's just so pretty how it's woven around the host tree.

We had to hike back up this trail. 1 mile or so at 25% is really quite difficult, especially in silly red Crocs. It was a fun challenge. Going down was hard in a different way. I just sort of let gravity guide me and did this funny plodding run to brace myself from gravity completely taking over.

Escaping Michigan

2008-03-01T23:21:00.012-05:00

I found myself in a very massive line on Saturday morning at the Northwest terminal. The computers crashed shortly before my check-in time. I had thought, since my flight was at the ridiculously early hour of 6:42AM, the airport would be rather calm. I was very wrong. There were about 300 people waiting to check in and the line was not moving at all. Something about the leap year disrupting the system caused all the computers to crash worldwide. I don't know the specifics, but that was the story floating around. At first I was worried I would miss my flight, but they held the planes, which I'm sure were very nearly empty, while this was all being sorted out. Then, as we're waiting there, we start to smell something burning. Soon it was announced that they couldn't accept any luggage. Huge piles of suit cases were forming all around the ticketing desks because the conveyor belt machine broke down. I can't remember a time I saw so much mayhem at check-in. And I just had to start laughing at all the craziness that occurred as I tried to escape Michigan. I picked the fastest moving line. Though I realized why it was the fastest moving line when I arrived at the front of it and found a fast-talking and rather rude woman. She decided to send my luggage to Phoenix. Yes, I'd be there for 5 minutes, but my final destination was Hawaii. I didn't realize this until I left the throng of people and I knew there was no hope in changing things at that moment in time. I tried to be proactive when I arrived in Phoenix. They were nice, but took no action. Apparently there is a difference between your luggage actually being lost and you predicting that it will be lost. "Ok, I know my luggage is going to be lost, it's not actually lost at the moment. Here's the situation. Can you forward my luggage to Hawaii when it gets here?" They didn't feel the need to file a claim at that time. I spoke with a couple other people, but it was like we were speaking two different languages. Oh well... I was on my way to the first class flight and that was something to look forward to.

My thoughts on being in first class - I think I was born to fly first class. I was in the very first row so I could put my feet up. Every time my glass (real glass) of water was getting low they'd come and fill it again. They served a really nice dinner on real china and silverware. It was so spacious and nice. Flying in economy is de-humanizing on many levels. Ok. Enough. I probably won't be flying first class again for a long time, but I will never object to it.

On the plane I made some progress listening to the Mars Hill Audio Journal. I tried to retain everything by taking notes. It's unfortunate that I'm not a professional amanuensis or I would have been a lot more efficient at this. I think I only listened to 2 discussions though. One on the members of The Inklings (C.S. Lewis, J.R.R Tolkien are two) and how they may have influenced each other. And another analyzing the Body Worlds exhibit from the point of view of an art historian. It's a lot like listening to a college lecture or discussion, so you have to actually be thinking with all the parts of your brain to be engaged. I need to have opinions and ideas about all of this in preparation for the "smarty pants meetings" (well, I dubbed it that). We're hoping some friends will agree to get together at the same point in space and time to discuss the topics covered in each edition of the mars hill audio journal. I am really looking forward to this. I wanted to have some kind of forum for discussion like this for a long time.

I arrived in Honolulu and it was hot. Shocking. I was slightly shocked by the warmth and humidity of the place. I didn't like it at first. Well, I was still in a sweater and jeans and I had been on planes for 12 hours, or something dreadful like that, and I still wasn't to my final destination. It takes a moment or two to get adjusted to Hawaii. It's so very different compared to Michigan. Cold Michigan. Of course the weather is different, but also the pace of life is different. I have to say I really enjoyed it and wish I would have spent more time. It's so peaceful and there seemed to be a lot less distraction. The night is night and the day is day. Each sunset was an event. It gets dark at about 6:30 or 7 every night consistently throughout the year. And the stars are so brilliant because there is no other light to contend. There's something calming about these rhythms and respecting them. We woke up with the sun and started winding down after sunset. I feel in places like Michigan, or any other major city, you tend to stay up later and also get up before dawn. The time in between is often spent in a cubicle or office. It feels so dark and cave-like, especially in the winter months. Sorry... moving on. The Michigan winter is over soon, I hope.

De-Planing, De-Planning

2008-02-29T22:24:00.011-05:00

I was all set to leave for Hawaii on Friday morning, but there were some delays and rearranging of plans. It all worked out for the best in the end. I will explain more about this. I was hoping my schedule would change, even after I boarded my first flight. This was my detailed prayer request: I don't really feel like leaving for Hawaii just yet, but I don't want to go back to my apartment tonight. A hotel voucher would be nice. I also would like to be upgraded to first class. I'd prefer a Northwest flight, even though I am booked with US Airways. Further (and maybe the most important thing about all this) I want to be able to go to the worship event at the Vineyard "Perpetual World Revolution" tonight. And I'd like some meal vouchers as well. Thank you.

Soon it was announced that the flight was cancelled due to some mysterious mechanical problem. When the pilot started explaining the situation, I really wanted to just get off the plane, but I waited until things panned out. I knew it was cancelled when I saw the exodus of first class people. We were told to stand in a really long line to have our flights changed. This line lasted 2-3 hours... though I was entertained by the 3 French students standing behind me in line. I love hearing french and it's cool I can understand a lot.

The line was long but when I got to the front of the line everything worked out and every detail of my request was answered even though I hadn't mentioned a single preference to the agent working on my flights. I was given a voucher to stay at the Hilton for the night. My flight was changed so that I would leave first thing in the morning with Northwest. My longest flight, from Phoenix to Honolulu, suddenly became first class. I was given meal vouchers, which I used for a really good dinner at the hotel. Not one detail was missed. That's awesome. And all this allowed me to go to the worship event, where I felt I was supposed to be for the evening. I convinced Matt that the Vineyard worship night was a good thing and he gave me a ride there and back. I think he really enjoyed it as well.

I did miss out on a day I had all planned out in Hawaii. On Saturday, I had planned to drive to the top of the tallest volcano, Mauna Kea, in a Jeep to see the stars and the view from 14,000 feet above sea level. I was really excited about that. I guess that will be left for another time. I'm sure God had a reason for changing my plans.

Things worked out for Stephanie, my co-traveler, as well. We didn't have the same flights to begin with, so I was concerned that she would have to spend the day with my grandmother. I suppose that would be tollerable, but not the ideal first day of your vacation. Well, she accidentally missed the last flight out of Honolulu, so she wouldn't be able to make it all the way to Hilo. Her cousin just happened to be staying on Waikiki beach for the day. Stephanie stayed with her cousin at a really nice hotel, enjoyed the beach and then danced with the military men until 3 am at some crazy western bar called Nashville. Funny.

A couple really awesome things happened at the "Perpetual World Revolution" worship event. First, someone was working on a painting in the front of the sanctuary as music was happening. It was so amazing because this girl was painting the image I had in my head a few weeks prior to that, but in a much better and more professional way. I made a version of it on Facebook's graffiti application, though I was limited by my patience and by the graffiti medium. I pretty much left it half complete, or where I thought I could go with it on graffiti. I had a little more in mind and this person, whom I've never met, was painting almost exactly what I had envisioned. She even painted the layers of color just as I had them, but then covered over them with another color. The star originally had dark red layers, but I covered over it with blue. She did the same, but left some showing. I wanted to add a yellow figure and something more in the center, which she did. Every detail was there. LOL - and I still haven't even spoken to her.

The music was good and much of it I had never heard before. It was just so peaceful after all my nightmares of someone trying to kill me and also after a very restless night. It helped me get into a better head space before leaving for the vacation. And at one point, at a most perfect point in time, someone went to the mic and said "There is someone here who is doing a lot of self-condemnation ... God just wants me to remind you that the Lord is slow to anger and rich in love. [And she quoted ] 'there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.' Romans 8:1" It just so happens that right at that moment I was thinking how I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror and how sinful I am [insert: cyclical thinking of negative crap...etc. going no where] No, I'm not always like this, but way too often I self condemn and I am way too hard on myself. I think all of those recurring nightmares of someone trying to kill me was a symbol of what condemnation does to a person. I needed a wake up call and permission, or maybe more of a command, to not think like this and remember the Lord is slow to anger and rich in love. For some reason I started thinking he was quick to anger...which is a lie. I never was killed in the dreams, just trapped and tortured by fear and some sort of evil person. Over the next few hours I felt like I had some help changing negative thought patterns. Simply being called out on it by God helps. And if He thinks I'm being too hard on myself, then I probably am. Plus, I stayed in a really nice room at the Hilton so I didn't have to go back to my apartment, which is nice but filled with too many rules regarding throw pillows : ) I don't think I've had a nightmare like that since. This was clearly a necessary part of my mental and spiritual preparation for the trip, not simply a supererogatory rearranging of my plans. I didn't see thousands of stars from the top of Mauna Kea, which means "white mountain," but I was reminded of the vision I had of a big bold star, like a bright white light, through the painting. How can you compare the thousands of natural stars, which will eventually fade away, with a giant supernatural star that is eternal and the feeling of being part of a spiritual community? I was reading Scientific American that morning. The astrophysicists said that what we know of the universe will eventually dim and the stars and their galaxies will be pushed so far away by dark matter that we won't be able to see the other galaxies. There were long scientific explanations for this, which I don't fully understand, but that's the basic idea. We did see thousands of stars in Hawaii. The night sky is so vivid because there isn't a lot of light pollution. I actually slept outside on the patio one night....soooo amazing! falling asleep under the stars and listening to the ocean waves all night.

At The Office

2008-02-28T22:06:00.006-05:00

2.28 - Every so often I must declare that Karl, my boss, is infallible. It's phrased more crassly, but here's a version of it. "Everyone else [in the world] is fallible, except for Karl." [replace fallible with something else] What is my cue for when it is appropriate to say this? 1) there is someone around to hear me say it 2) he asks "What's the one thing I taught you?" Then I know exactly what I am to say. I totally feel like Pam from The Office sometimes.

2.27 - I wasn't very temerarious today, but I did do a lot of blogging at work. I guess that's rather temerarious since that has nothing to do with my job titles: Director of Mexicanity, Director of the Recycling Program, Captain of the Wellness Team, Chief Barista, Puppy Wrangler, etc. I think it's pretty sweet that I get paid to blog. I do have a real job, it's just really slow in the winter and it would be too boring to admit to what I actually do at work. It involves lots of numbers, mexicans and excel spreadsheets.

Imagine

2008-02-26T22:48:00.007-05:00

There are 20 remaining contestants in American Idol Season 7 right now. David Archuleta stole the show last night with Imagine by John Lennon. He's definitely my favorite contestant at this point. He's only 17, but carries himself with the aplomb of a seasoned professional. He has a really pure heart and I think that comes through in his singing. It's the occasional moment of brilliance, like this one, that keep me watching the show. Plus I love Simon's biting sarcasm.

La Vie en Rose

2008-02-25T14:26:00.003-05:00

Marion Cotillard won best actress for her portrayal of Edith Piaf in La Vie en Rose at the Oscars, the Cesars, the Golden Globes and several other international awards ceremonies. That's pretty impressive. I have not actually seen the film yet, but I have been meaning to for some time. I missed the Oscars but I've been watching clips of the highlights on youtube. Here are a couple interviews with Marion and the director of the film. She is so absolutely talented and adorable. Her personality has a sort of whimsical, lithesome quality to it.

This is another video from the director on the making of the film. I must rent it sometime soon. I can't believe I didn't see it in the theatre long ago. I love musical bio-pics. I like what she has to say about understanding people. She had to completely remove all judgements she had of Edith Piaf in order to get into character and understand her.

the proverbial retreat

2008-02-23T22:40:00.016-05:00

On Friday I went to the women's retreat. The retreat as a whole was on wisdom / proverbs. The women and their stories were so diverse, yet somehow it all fit together beautifully even though they didn't really plan every detail. The topic on Friday night was financial discipline. Fun. Actually, it was really good. Three different women spoke on Friday evening, all with a little different take on the subject. We were challenged to re-imagine discipline as a positive thing. For without discipline, we quickly become dissolute. [I'd rather not use such a strong word, but alas, that is the word of the day.] "But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction.It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this." (Proverbs 3:12) The Message

I have to say that I wish there were a more pleasant word for the word 'discipline'. It's not very fun to say. And there is. In several translations of the Bible the word 'instruction' is often used where the word 'discipline' might be found. I prefer the word instruction. This will help me view it in a more positive light.

We had the option of camping out overnight at the church. Some people took this literally and pitched a big tent to sleep in. I just brought my air mattress and found a corner of the sanctuary to sleep in. I slept in the sort of lofted balcony area. I thought it would be really cool to sleep here, but it doesn't matter where you sleep if you didn't put enough air in the air mattress and didn't get enough sleep. I awoke at 7am to the nettlesome sound of my alarm and the hard floor of the sanctuary. I headed down the hall for 7am yoga. Pure craziness. I never get up this early. But it was fun and I'm really happy I did it. Several of us did yoga from 7-8am (before the coffee!!) to start out the morning. And then there was coffee. 4 more women spoke on Saturday and I loved hearing all of their stories. I can't really begin to describe in a coherant way how each of the stories impacted me. I especially loved the stories from the women who had traveled or worked in Israel, Africa and Vienna.

Encyclopedia Baracktannica

2008-02-21T16:12:00.001-05:00

Now for a serious post on politics. I relegate this one to the experts.

mind games

2008-02-20T17:41:00.007-05:00

Gamers will soon be able to interact with the virtual world using their thoughts and emotions alone. Emotiv has created a brain computer interface that reads electrical impulses in the brain and translates them into commands that a video game can accept to control game play. The headset can detect more than 30 different expressions, emotions and actions. They include excitement, meditation, tension and frustration; facial expressions such as smile, laugh, wink, shock (eyebrows raised), anger (eyebrows furrowed); and cognitive actions such as push, pull, lift, drop and rotate (on six different axis). Gamers are able to move objects in the world just by thinking of the action. BBC News: "Brain Control headset for gamers" by Darren Waters.

Is this the next wii attachment? This is cool, but kinda scary at the same time. Think of the gaming possibilities. This headset can detect more than 30 different expressions, emotions and actions. Example scenario: so like you are about to be attacked by crazy zombies but their flaming arrows and grips of death are deflected when you smile big and fast enough. Maybe your avatar just gets an extra confidence boost when you smile a lot during game play and this makes the battles go more smoothly.

It doesn't just detect facial expressions. It can sense meditation, frustration, tension and excitement. Will there be a game designed to improve your meditation skills? Your ability to stay calm in a stressful situation? A prayer warrior game? LOL - I'm such a dork. Maybe some form of cognitive or emotional therapy can be developed through engaging in these not so factitious neural exercises.

See Ken's blogs on neuroscience - the praying brain

Open

2008-02-19T23:00:00.038-05:00

I don't know how to start this blog, so I will just state my goals for it. I will use the words pestiferous, sine qua non and abominate in relation to imprecatory Psalms, the latest Nooma film "Open" and probably some personal reflection on all this. I have had it planned out for about a week, but actually writing it seems daunting for some reason and I keep getting stuck. I don't know how this stuff in my head will transfer to the page or if there is anything inspired in my head to transfer to the page in the first place. Seriously, every time I try to make progress with it I'm delayed by something. So either I'm not supposed to write this or I really am supposed to write this. With that promising and auspicious beginning...

Of the 150 psalms in the Bible, there are about 18 imprecatory psalms. Psalms that describe the impending doom of the wicked. Prayers that openly express the psalmist's desire to inflict some kind of pain on his enemies. Some people argue that this conflicts with Christian ethics and the command to love your enemies. However, I believe the Bible would be incomplete without the record of this type of prayer.

Quotes on why the Psalms, as a whole, are important:

"In the Psalms, human beings reach out to God. The initiative is human. The language is human. We make an effort to communicate. He receives; he chooses to respond or not, according to his inscrutable wisdom...The biblical psalms are essentially a record of the human quest for God. Hence, the variety of forms in which the ancient psalmists expressed themselves, reflective of the diverse and changing moods that possessed them as they do all human beings. In short, the psalms constitute a revealing portrayal of the human condition." Nahum M. Sarna

"There is no literature in all the world that is more true to life and more honest than Psalms, for here we have warts-and-all religion. Every skeptical thought, every disappointing veture, every pain, every despair that we can face is lived through and integrated into a personal, saving relationship with God..." Eugene Peterson

For example, Psalm 129:5-8 contains some element of imprecation or cursing.

1-4 "They've kicked me around ever since I was young" —this is how Israel tells it— "They've kicked me around ever since I was young, but they never could keep me down. Their plowmen plowed long furrows up and down my back; Then God ripped the harnesses of the evil plowmen to shreds."
5-8 Oh, let all those who hate Zion grovel in humiliation; Let them be like grass in shallow ground that withers before the harvest, Before the farmhands can gather it in, the harvesters get in the crop, Before the neighbors have a chance to call out, "Congratulations on your wonderful crop! We bless you in God's name!" (The Message)

What's important in these psalms is the fact that David, who is the author in most cases, is venting and communicating all of his anger to God and not acting on this himself. I won't get too technical here, but some theologians have argued that this type of prayer recorded as the inspired word of God conflicts with other verses in Scripture. Just google imprecatory psalms. There are 16,000 entries on the subject. This article describes how these prayers can be included in God's inspired word without causing conflict.

In these psalms of imprecation the psalmist is asking God to unleash some pestiferous plagues on his enemy. He openly abominates his enemies and/or the people who oppose God, which is rarely, if ever, mutually exclusive. But how can this be divinely inspired prayer when we are commanded to do just the opposite? We are commanded to help our enemy with his ailing or lost donkey [or maybe his broken down Jeep] (Exodus 23:4). We are not to laugh or rejoice when our enemy falls (Proverbs 23:17). And above all, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44). I admit this does present a challenge. But I think it's ok to vent your frustration and anger to God, and then go help your enemy with his donkey, or Jeep or whatever it is you least want to do in your human strength. For me, it's one of the few practical ways to cope with troublesome people. If you can't vent your anger to God, than there is no one you can safely vent your anger to. Your anger will take action or it will sit inside of you and make you sick. And, ultimately prayer is about communication, not getting exactly what we asked for. (Thank God) Sometimes we just need to be heard. Jesus prayed this way in the garden of Gethsemane. Even though he knew what he had to do he asked that he might not have to endure the cross and that this cup would be taken from him. In the end, he submits to the Father's will. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them ... "'Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."' (Mark 14:34-36)

Brutal honesty is the sine qua non of heartfelt prayer. It's what we find in the Psalms. If you're not being honest, than it's not really prayer. In the latest Nooma film Open, Rob Bell reflects on what prayer is really about. Prayer is communication and connection with the divine and the people around us. And often the purpose is to change our hearts and make us better people, not to simply change the things around us. This is just a short clip from the film.

Puccini's Manon Lescaut

2008-02-16T20:03:00.010-05:00

I love opera, especially opera from the Metropolitan Opera, however I thought Puccini's Manon Lescaut was pure ridiculousness. This is the third opera I've seen in the series where the Met broadcasts live to local movie theaters. I was thoroughly impressed with Gounod's Romeo et Juliette and also Verdi's Macbeth. However, Puccini's Manon was a great disappointment. I am looking forward to Puccini's La Boheme, but I have to say this one missed the mark. I like a dramatic aria, but there has to be substance, otherwise it just ends up being pure indulgence.

First of all, Karita Mattila is a wonderful soprano. I love her voice and off stage personality. (They showed her doing yoga back stage.) However, she is a 47-year-old playing the part of a twenty-something year old. She is supposed to be a young girl on her way to join a convent. Further, I had a hard time enjoying and believing the more amourous scenes, because she looks like a grandmother.

Second, the opera itself is one melodramatic aria strung together with another. It's still unclear to me why Manon suddenly dies in the last scene. She had been imprisoned and shipped to America, because she was unfaithful to her husband. Why did she suddenly die in the final scene? It made no sense whatsoever. All they were doing was walking through the wilderness and then she collapses.

Third, she found true love early in the story. She abandoned her true love for the love of wealth and marries an old man who looks and acts like Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life. Her true love comes to rescue her. She did sing about the emptiness she felt amongst such luxury, In quelle trine morbide. However, as they are about to escape the clutches of her vindictive husband, she is so busy collecting jewels, they are caught and she is thrown in prison. Despite this most obvious character flaw, her lover never leaves her. He's outside her jail cell singing deeply deeply melodramatic arias. There's never a moment where he stops and considers his motives. He never seems to realize that he fell in love with a most ridiculous and double-minded virago of a woman. In the final act, he follows Manon to America where she suddenly dies in his arms somewhere out in the wilderness.

This is Karita Mattila singing "In quelle trine morbide" a few years ago in another production. This is the point in the opera where she has abandoned her true love to live a more luxurious life with a man she doesn't love. Now she sings of the coldness and emptiness she feels.

2007 Academy Nominated Short Films

2008-02-15T23:28:00.014-05:00

We watched the 2007 Academy Award Nominated Short Films at the Detroit Film Theatre. There were 4 animated and 4 live action short films.

My favorite in the live action short category is Tonto Woman. Many people appreciated The Mozart of Pickpockets, but I didn't think it was special. Here's a brief synopsis of Tanto Woman.

"The Tonto Woman is based on a short story by Elmore Leonard. Ruben Vega discovers a woman living alone in the desert. Intrigued by her solitary existence, he sets out to find why she lives in such an inhospitable place. He uncovers a tale of kidnapping, betrayal and of a woman discarded by society." anon.

The best film in the animated short category isn't so clear. For me it's a tie between Moya Lyubov (My Love) and Peter & the Wolf. Moya Lyubov is like an impressiontistic painting that is constantly in motion. I've never seen animation quite like it. The animation fits the story perfectly. A young boy is in love with two very different women. But, honestly, I think Peter & the Wolf will win. It's a creative and humorous adaptation of the Prokofiev classic.

Actually, I take that last part back. I was a little late on Friday and missed most of "Even Pigeons Go to Heaven." In the film a priest sells a machine to a man that he promises will transport him to heaven. It's funny, but also a clever commentary on religion.

amative amnesty

2008-02-14T22:26:00.003-05:00

I'd rather not blog about this day. I usually dread V-day and try to forget its very existence given I seem to be always romantically challenged. There's just too much pressure and it's made up. Needless to say, I did not send any amative invitations, but I did sing for the dogs at the office. They loved it and the shitzu sang along with me. He was sooo cute as he cooed / howled along with me. : ) When I had my own shitzu-oodle at home in Minnesota, I used to sing and play the flute and she would sing along with me.

While I did not send an amative letter or gift, I did send a reply to my grandfather's cards today. We haven't really communicated since I moved away to college. (Well, there wasn't much communication before that either...) After about maybe 4-5 years of never receiving a letter, call or anything besides maybe some broken promises, he sent me a couple cards. So on valentine's day I returned the communication. He was pretty much my only father figure growing up. He may die soon. He has leukemia and I am not sure what else, but he's not doing well. I knew I had to write back soon. It was good to hear from him after such a long time.

our perdurable passover

2008-02-13T23:00:00.015-05:00

Valerie and I have developed a somewhat perdurable tradition on Wednesday nights. (I suppose it isn't that perdurable after all, because it is apt to change with our schedules, but I am going to great lengths to apply these vocab words to my blogs.) First, we workout at the gym until we can't take it anymore and then we find tasty and often interesting foods at Whole Foods. I love Whole Foods for their large gluten-free selection. I enjoy it even more so for their vast variety of things you never knew existed but have always wanted. They have whole sections of these things. It's a veritable Garden of Eden, provided you have the cash. Though, I have made a few impulse purchases that did not turn out so well. Once, I bought dark chocolate only to realize that it had cactus extract in it. Why? It was strange and bitter. Another time, I bought a bottled tea drink of kombucha that looked good for food and pleasing to the eye, however it ended up being a volatile concoction of strange fermented substances. The bottle promised antioxidants and other detoxifying benefits. I read standard "health-foodese" on the label and thought I'd try it out. And it had cute packaging. I can't resist really cute packaging. This ended up being a culinary catastrophe, but it is about to turn into an interesting blog rife with symbolistic treasures.

Kombucha is fermented. I didn't realize this when I bought it. It just looked like tea with cranberry in it. I had "Cosmic Cranberry: made with free-range cranberries," whatever that means... When I opened the bottle, it smelled like really old, rank beer. Very quickly, large amounts of foam started errupting out of the bottle. The more it was exposed to air, it released more and more foam, seemingly exponentially. I stuck a straw in it, but that made the situation worse. I couldn't contain the explosion so I just had to get rid of it all together and pour it down the kitchen sink.

Before I opened the bottle, Val's boyfriend saw that the name of the drink was "Synergy." He thought it was funny to start chanting that I was going to sin if I drank this. "ha ha, you're going to sin" in a sing songy fashion. I was annoyed by his mocking and childish attitude, but I was aware of where this was coming from. But as I waited for this to stop, I recalled the lesson on fermentation from the night before. I realized there was an unintended yet rather ironic pun with Synergy and 'sin.' It's funny how he unknowingly brought my attention to this.

This connection with the concept of sin was interesting because I had just studied the Feast of Unleavened bread the night before at the Psalms of Ascent study. (Yes, I know I'm a dork) This feast begins at sundown on Passover and continues for the next 7 days. Jewish people were not to eat bread with leaven in it during this time, because leaven is symbolic of sin and the evil impulses of the heart. Leaven (yeast) is used to produce fermentation. Fermentation implies a process of corruption. During the Feast of Unleavened bread you were to focus on sanctification and getting rid of the leaven in your life. As a way to daily contemplate and meditate upon this, they would eat unleavened bread.

I just found this ironic. A fermented drink called 'syn-ergy' promising to detoxify your body of impurities became a symbol of just the opposite. In the Bible, fermentation represents what happens when a little leaven, or sin, enter your life. When I opened this fermented beverage, it kept on expanding rapidly and I couldn't control it. The more I prodded and poked at it, the worse it got. I just had to get rid of it all together, but I was not about to drink this rank smelling thing, so I dumped it down the drain. It's such a good image of what sin is actually like in real life. You have to just get rid of it, not try to contain and control it. Furthermore, the packaging was so attractive. Hence, the brief allusion to the attractive qualities of the forbidden fruit, when I first saw this in the great garden of eden, aka Whole Foods, and got us into this whole mess in the first place.

It was also interesting to revisit how Passover and the Feast of Unleavened Bread aligned perfectly with Christ's crucifixion. The bread that Jesus broke on Passover was actually unleavened bread. I vaguely remember studying this before, but I think I forgot. As he broke it, it would have made a cracking sound. This makes a lot more sense to me. For a long time I thought this was regular, soft bread. It makes more sense to say 'this is my body broken' while using a hard, unleavened bread. So, symbolically, he is the unleavened bread. Had the bread been leavened bread, the symbolism would not really work. It is always fascinating to me how the feasts and traditions found in the Old Testament are brought into greater focus and fulfillment with the events of the New Testament.

The transition from the Old Covenant to the New is so apparent in this passage. "Then the Jews led Jesus from Caiaphas to the palace of the Roman governor. By now it was early morning, and to avoid ceremonial uncleanness the Jews did not enter the palace; they wanted to be able to eat the Passover." John 18:28 They are so focused on keeping the traditions of passover and keeping things status quo, that they miss what is really going on here. Jesus is their eternal, perdurable Passover and the true unleavened bread that was probably being baked at that very moment. Anyway, just interesting. I happened upon this passage as we were reading through John in another small group the following week. I don't think I would have noticed it had I not just studied the significance of the timing of the feasts in relation to the time of Jesus' crucifixion the week before. I like when I can see seemingly random events fit together and are so perfectly timed.

a copacetic menagerie

2008-02-12T16:53:00.014-05:00

2.6 - Today I worked in an office with lubricious floors. The entire office flooded today.

2.7 - Had I not efiled my taxes so extempore, I wouldn't have had to revise my tax returns with my friend tonight. Basically, I told the state of Michigan that I paid about $5500 a month in rent, which would be about $66,000 for the year. They sent me a letter telling me I should report more income. Yes, I think so too. Context for this ridiculousness: I was answering questions on H&R block. I thought they wanted me to fill in the blank with rent for the entire year, not just one month. I didn't realize they were making it super user friendly. But then you would think that error would be red flagged, given my rent exceeded my income...maybe they took into consideration I work for the mexican mafia. I didn't double check the return before I sent it in. I must have a really nice apartment. Who pays $5k a month in rent?

2.8 - We went to see U2 in 3D at the imax theatre. I enjoyed watching the U2 concert like this. I'll probably never go to a live performance so it was cool to see what it would be like. Bono himself is a rather abarrent rock star, a sort of larger than life persona. Greg started a debate about Bono providing a spiritual experience without centering it around God. He said this was idolatry. We discussed/debated this for awhile, then we played guitar hero.

2.9 - The Aveda Institute is like a menagerie of people attempting to look like tropical birds. I especially like when you see about 4+ different colors of hair arrayed on someone's head. One guy looked like a cockatiel with his multi-colored faux hawk. I went there for a hair cut on saturday. I asked for normal hair today. But once upon a time I did have about 3-4 colors added to my hair at the Aveda Institute in Minneapolis.

I found another menagerie of people at the My Dear Disco concert at Live. I love My Dear Disco "dance think music." I especially adore the lead vocalist.

2.10 Ken gave a sermon called "Calm in the Face of Foes" - How do we face our enemies and remain calm? The word of God was Jesus' protective raiment as he was tempted out in the wilderness after fasting and praying for 40 days in the wilderness. Every time the devil tempted him he replied with words from the book of Deuteronomy. This would be the most fitting text, because these were the words spoken to the Jewish people after wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.

This was all very good to hear. Stop over-thinking what your enemy has to say and meditate on what your Father has to say. It's such a basic, common sense approach to life, but I find myself doing the opposite all too often. Then you will experience God's peace. The raiment of God's presence: "One of the classic marks experientially of God's presence and of his speaking through sacred text is this: a kind of presence settles around you. Time loses its tick-tockiness. Life loses it's edgey-stressiness. The person experiencing God's presence feels peace. Calm. Assurance. With or without words. Through his meditations in the desert Jesus had been inhabiting that place a great deal. The words were dwelling in him, he was dwelling in the words. Words are powerful that way, are they not? We dwell in each other through words, do we not?" (Ken Wilson)

2.11 I hope this is not an ersatz prophetic word, but in fact a bona fide dream and word of encouragement from the Lord.

I had a dream on Saturday night about sitting at a long white banquet table. It wasn't empty. There were friends there and the light was shining. It was simple and elegant. I was looking at the table and watching as things were being placed, but it wasn't being set by human hands. A progression started, but everything came in pairs. Pair after pair of salt and pepper shakers (clear glass and silver) and then various other silver pieces. But the strongest image was the salt and pepper shakers always being set in pairs, one after another down the center of the table. For some reason I wanted to stop it or I had anxiety because I couldn't keep up. But then I just accepted this pattern as it was, but I remember worrying that everyone else would find themselves in a pair, but not me. Then I considered this again, and decided/realized that I was salt shaker. However, I did not want to be with a pepper shaker. If I was a part of this progression of couple-hood, I wanted to be with another salt shaker. Though I didn't necessarily feel that was promised in the dream. And that was my last thought as I woke up on Sunday morning.

Decoding: I think the symbolism is pretty obvious. Pairs = marriage type stuff. Salt = biblical reference to the fact that we are to be salt (and light) of the earth. Banquet table set by non-human hands = only God truly establishes relationships. White, light and harmony filled the room = a sort of peace or purity filled the room.

I was not thinking a whole lot about this come Monday night at small group. Jen had various words and images for people, which was so cool. She is gifted with prophecy and perhaps also with interpreting dreams. I hadn't told her anything about the dream. She just said "God wants me to tell you, 2 salt shakers." She said it almost hesitantly I think. That's pretty funny. I'm taking that as a promise. I will not be single the rest of my life and I will find my equal too, not an ersatz version. At first I was caught off guard and then I quickly realized that was my last question as I awoke from that dream. Will I find another salt shaker? I didn't want a pepper shaker, even if I was a salt shaker. I wanted to be with another salt shaker. LOL - So all of that had better not be ersatz. It's just too out there and funny to be completely conjured up by my vain imaginings.

2.12 I have a feeling that my upcoming trip to Hawaii with be overflowing with exceedingly copacetic events. I can't wait to hike the volcanoes, be in the ocean, see the waterfalls, drink kona coffee, maybe learn to surf, go kayaking, etc. It's only 16 days away : )

Nisi Dominus Frusta

2008-02-05T23:42:00.001-05:00

There are several ways I can use the word ineffectual today. I'm excited that I can pull things straight out of the Psalms of Ascent study I did this evening. And I just have to say, I swear all these 'words of the day' totally line up with whatever I'm supposed to talk about each day. Here's some of what we covered today.

"Nisi Dominus Frusta" is a Latin motto that means "Without the Lord, Frustration" that comes from the first words of Psalm 127: a song by Solomon.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early
and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
[for so he giveth his beloved sleep - KJV]

It's important to know if God is in the work you are doing, otherwise all your labor is ultimately ineffectual. I was encouraged by this passage in the study that speaks so directly to my current situation. I'll just go ahead quote it directly: "You might be encouraged to realize that God can be hard at work in our workplace without our earthly boss ever acknowledging it. God can build a company to serve divine purposes right under the unsuspecting nose of an unbelieving owner... Don't get the idea that all work is meaningless if it's not vocationally and blatantly Christian. The prophet Daniel is a perfect example of a man whose work was blessed even when his workplace was not."

I like this quote too. Eugene Peterson writes: " The curse of some people's lives is not work, as such, but senseless work, vain work, futile work, work that takes place apart from God. Work that ignores the if."

As we were departing from Psalm 126 (since were going numerically through the Psalms), we also talked in depth about the concept of sowing and harvesting.

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

It's a promise that "You will never endure a season of tears that can't turn into a harvest of joy." But there is a condition - you must sow seed to reap the harvest. I like how Beth Moore focuses on this condition. To give greater meaning to this idea we then looked at The Parable of the Sower . The seed of God's Word is ineffectual and will not produce a harvest when you just eat the seed, enjoy it briefly, but forget to sow it and apply it to your life. It's frightening to know that I'm sure I have eaten the seed, enjoyed it for a short while, but out of my impatience or lack of perseverance, didn't actually sow it.

I love how poetic this passage is even though it's a hard truth. It provides such a vivid image of how the word of God is received and so eloquently describes how obstacles prevent the seed from being sown and ultimately producing a harvest.

"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. Luke 8:11

canorous subterfuge

2008-02-04T22:27:00.002-05:00

1.29 - Sylvan is the word. Now that's tough to fit in this particular day. It's a lovely word. It means abounding in trees; or one that frequents the forests. I suppose residents of Ann Arbor who have fully embraced the trees are sylvan citizens. And the Green Vineyard ministry is sylvan. One of the few sylvano-christian cooperatives out there. And we are all like trees in a sense. It's used as a metaphor for us humans many times in the Bible. One example, "But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." Psalm 1.1

1.30 - There are a few instrumental pieces I love working out to. If I don't put the right music on my ipod, I'm very disappointed, so I'm very selective about this. One song has this really long title "Piano Concerto No. 1: Allegro non troppo e molto maestoso - Allegro con spirito (B flat minor) " by Tchaikovsky. I love it. Words are useless in describing the beautiful canorous passages, which are sometimes dark and foreboding and at other times grande and sweeping. It's awesome for secretive interpretive dance sessions because it lasts 23 minutes and it feels like it's telling a story. Every time this one theme returns, it's like a bright message of hope. Then big dark heavy notes show up, but then this hopeful theme always returns. It wins in the end, but the big dark heavy stuff is battling with softer bright theme.

1.31 - I do not enjoy irascible people.

2.1 - I saw The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It's an artsy french film. I had a hard time connecting with the protagonist. This was important because much of the film is just him sitting there all messed up, because he had locked-in syndrome with one big eye blinking. All he could do to communicate with the outside world was blink with one eye. He wrote an entire book this way. But I must stay, this does not make for a very attractive leading man. Though he was French, he now lacked that certain french mien in his current paralytic state. I know. I'm such a shallow person, but I like to see pretty people in movies. That's not so horrible. Before he had his stroke, he was a pretty selfish person. He treated the women in his life poorly. Then, after all the one-eyed blinking happened, he died of pneumonia. The ending was just was so anti-climatic. Yes, he eloquently described being locked in a paralyzed body, but he still was locked in a completely paralyzed body. I don't know. It just wasn't uplifting for me even though the ads talked about it as a 'triumph of the imagination.' I'm thinking, "Really? I can imagine a lot better things than this." Everyone says it's a masterpiece. Maybe I just was in a bad mood when I saw it.

2.2 - I watched Lorenzo's Oil. It happened to be on tv. I'm struck by how fiercely Lorenzo's parents battled this genetic disorder, ALD (Adrenoleukodystrophy). They were told there was no hope, but they spent months researching brain chemistry, lipids, fatty acid manipulation on their own. They actually had to fight doctors and researchers to get things done. It's a true story. All of their work is saving thousands of boys lives now. The oil is blend of certain fatty acids that acted as a brilliant subterfuge to counteract the malfunctioning or missing enzymes in his brain. It's too complicated to go into all the chemistry now. But this website explains more. However, their son may never reap the benefits, because the disease ravaged his brain before they found the cure and stripped it of myelin. But his life and his parents' work saved so many lives. The movie is good because of their tenacity and passion. But I'm a dork and I love to know more about brain chemistry and fatty acids, so I enjoyed that part of it just as much.

An aside: I don't know why or how I ended up watching two movies this weekend about people trapped in their paralyzed bodies after severe neural damage. It was rather depressing. I'm sure it's a metaphor for something greater I'm just to shallow to fully realize now. By the end of Lorenzo's Oil, all Lorenzo could do was blink. In both films everyone was cheering and so extremely happy that Lorenzo and Jean could communicate by blinking. All the family and loved ones were celebrating over this small sign of cognizance. We have value as humans even in that state. It's just interesting to think about. I know I kind of sound cold right now.

2.3 - Ken continued the Happiness series. Actually, they are extending it because they have gotten so much positive feedback. He talked about how increased joy and happiness is a perquisite for doing acts of kindness. Not a prerequisite, but a perquisite - an additional benefit or profit of a position or office. No, he didn't use that strange word to talk about it, but I had to.

2.4 - I met with the wild women small group again this evening. I think I'm starting to gain some understanding in how I pray, at least for now. I was able to have one of those cool Holy Spirit moments again at small group. It's good because I'm narrowing down how and when this happens, for me at least. This time I didn't have a flame over me. It was like a bright halo of light. But it was still hot. This gave me confirmation that this way of praying was in fact God, not just my overactive imagination. Both times I could feel the flame and/or light, basically the shekhinah or presence of God, I did this thing where I visualize light and color and move it around. It's always a different image, depending on the person and situation. But consistently, it's energy waves, sometimes jewel-like or just pure light. I just feel led to move light and colors and remove darkness, etc. I know it might sound strange. I've actually kind of thought like this for years, but wasn't sure if it had as much meaning as words. They asked me to start talking about the images but I couldn't really focus on that and talk about it at the same time. Plus, there are no words to describe the images. So, I do not have a very magniloquent style of prayer. I still prefer to say nothing. This might change, but I've only felt that heat over me when I'm not saying anything and just working in images, which is amazing and such a high. It's really beautiful too.