I recently went to a Vineyard conference in Grand Rapids called "Naturally Supernatural." Gary Best wrote the book by the same name which teaches that God is closer than we think, He can work in and through us and the life of Jesus is accessible to all of us. It was primarily an equipping and practicum conference, so we had a lot of time to practice praying for people, and there was a good dose of lectures and worship as well.
During the first night of the conference, I asked for prayer about my back. The focus during this prayer practicum time was physical healing. My spine is not quite right and I'd like for it be right again. I had x-rays done this summer and I saw in detail just why. I was surprised to see how much the vertebrae curved to the right in the thoracic or upper lumbar areas. I do not have scoliosis, but over time, due to bad posture and gravity, my spine has shifted. Fortunately, I'm not in any pain, but I have this weird tense feeling in the entire left side of my body, from head to toe. It is very annoying and aggravated by normal exercise, like walking. But I do not want to go to the chiropraxy (my made up word for the practice of chiropractix), for various reasons and reservations, but I do not want to be an old or young person with back problems.
The group did pray for my back, but then the Holy Spirit had other plans. One person immediately sensed that God wanted to address something else that night. I'm always asking for direction and clarity. I hope to be open to whatever God is telling me, though I always have a certain amount of trepidation about this. I assume God is going to criticize me. This has never happened, but for some reason I always brace myself and hold my breath when I am receiving prayer, especially the more prophetic variety. My thoughts are "It's been sugar-coated before, now he's going to really bring the truth or let me know about some secret sin that I am not even aware I am committing." It has never happened this way. It's the truth but it's usually encouraging and affirming, or it helps me to refocus and stop worrying so much. I am usually told not to worry. At the last conference the only thing He said was to focus on the peace in the eye of the storm and not pay attention to the winds. The answers are not in the wind. And I was told to restrict the amount of time I worry to about 15 minutes per day. : )
I usually know it's God talking to me through someone when the Holy Spirit begins addressing those deep thoughts that I haven't fully articulated even to myself, but I am aware they exist. Or the recurring thoughts I haven't expressed to anyone yet. I especially like receiving prayer from people whom I've never met. Or more precisely, Vineyard-trained people whom I've never met or don't know me very well, because I feel I can generally trust them and they do not have any prior knowledge about my life, which means they are far less likely to bring their own personal bias to my situation. I am more interested in hearing what God has to say to me than what 'advice,' however well-intentioned, people want to offer. She prayed for a few moments and then she smiled and said "You're facing a conundrum." Yes! I was a little surprised that came up, but glad that it did. She went on to say I have some fear and anxiety associated with it. Yes... I still don't have any answers for my conundrum. I didn't get any direction one way or the other, but I felt validated that I am in fact facing a kind of conundrum and it is real. I wouldn't mind getting some answers, because if I'm way off track and deluding myself, I'd like to know about it.
I hope this next part doesn't come across as too narcissistic or shallow, because it was actually very healing for me to hear. And in a way, it does fall into the category of physical healing. I just have assumed I am not cute anymore. Maybe I was before when I was younger and thinner, but not anymore. And that's why guys aren't interested in me anymore. I also have been thinking that I don't have the joy of the Lord on my face. (what an odd thing to worry about?) I keep seeing people who clearly do have the joy of the Lord radiating from their face and eyes. It's so bright and apparent. However, I have come to think that maybe I don't have this radiance. Maybe people see me but don't see that kind of light. Maybe they see darkness. I've screwed up too many times and lost it. Of course, I didn't mention any of this to the women praying for me, but I felt God was speaking through them and I am trying to receive it.
These are some of the words they had for me: The joy of the Lord is so strong on your face. God just loves your face and cheeks. He loves to see you wake up in the morning and can't wait to see what you're going to do. He looks forward to spending time with you. When he looks at you, he admires the fact that he does really nice work.
The women weren't just passively listing things. Everything was stated so boldly, with sincerity and with authority. I knew it wasn't from them. It was healing, because I am always criticizing myself, especially the way I look, and especially first thing in the morning. I had been thinking that I am this random combination of traits that was not necessarily planned and composed, but with these words, I felt that God was taking ownership for his work and admiring the fact that he does really good work. I am not a random assemblage of phenotypes, but a created whole.
After this prayer I realized that I would never criticize a friend's artwork the way I criticize myself. And I am criticizing God's artwork every time I criticize myself in this destructive way. I also felt, in a more substantial, way that God does not love me because of the things I do. I just have to wake up in the morning and be alive. I think I have to learn several profound Biblical truths every day, pray several hours, lose 10 pounds, help the poor, teach/evangelize, listen to worship music more, always have perfect pitch, be organized and efficient always, be more loving and forgiving to people and then maybe I will feel the Father's love. Of course, I never accomplish all of this in a single day, so I feel like a failure almost every day. Some of those things are possible, but not all at the same time and every day. More than I know, I have a performance based view of His love. Even though intellectually I know that is not how it works.
Hearing that God likes the way I look was a revelation, as funny as that sounds. It had not occurred to me before. Seriously. And they specifically mentioned how He likes my cheeks, which I find problematic. So that was refreshing. And that was only the first session of the conference. I was given permission to like the way I look because God does.
The following day we had workshop sessions and another main session in the evening. I went to the Prayer of Command and Hearing God. All good. I have tons of good notes from the entire conference. I really enjoy Gary Best's sense of humor and teaching style. I might blog them, for now I think I'll focus on what was revealed during the prayer time.
I found the Hearing God workshop a little troublesome. I did not like how the leader's methodology. It seemed to work for some people, but I thought it seemed like a game. It did not seem like the appropriate way to approach the Holy Spirit and interact with people in prayer. We had to line up, turn around facing away from the room and close our eyes. Then we waited to receive a word. As people felt led, they were to stand behind you. Then, when a couple minutes had passed you were to turn around and share with the person whatever was on your mind, but you had to keep your eyes closed the whole time. I am pretty sure I did not hear anything (or see anything). I just apologized to the really nice older woman who was standing behind me. And I thought this was silly. Then it was my turn to go find someone who may or may not have a word for me. So I stood behind the workshop teacher. : ) And he gave me this image that really does not make any sense to me. He saw this kid jumping on a trampoline and everyone else on the trampoline was being pulled off but he just kept on jumping. Interesting enough, but revelatory? Not so sure. I like trampolines. I appreciate perseverance and I understand sometimes you have to keep jumping as other people are pulled out of your life, but was that really a word for me. I don't know. It was a boy, maybe 8 years old. Not a girl. So I'm not really sure what that means.
However, at this same workshop we prayed for each other in a more conventional way in small groups, which I think is so much better and more relational. I was happy to actually have something to say to one person at the table. I had the word faithful, faithfulness or deep faith impressed on my mind. And he said that has been a major concern for him lately so it was encouraging to hear that. So that was really affirming for him. And also I told him a little bit of my story and that was helpful to him because he is worried about his son right now.
The two people in my group both had interesting things to say. Again it was confirmed that I have the joy of the Lord on my face - despite what I think. I still feel uncomfortable writing this, but this matched what the other women had said the night before. She said God will use this for something, but she didn't know exactly what. The other word of knowledge was from the man. He said that he never had such a strong word from the Lord before. He said that it is important that I verbalize what it is I want. Not to him, but to close friends. It's important that I do this for clarity. Hmm, what do I want? I do need clarity. I did make some attempts at verbalizing what it is I want. On the whole, I think the Hearing God workshop worked out despite the leader's silly game.
There were more good sessions and encounters. It's difficult to cover everything. Amazing things can happen when a group of people are actively engaged in trying to heal and speak truths to one another with the help of the Holy Spirit. It's too rare an occurrence in everyday life. And this was the point of the conference. Living more holistically, naturally and supernaturally, walking the path of shalom. Not being one person in church and then another in your neighborhood and workplace.
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