At the end of this sermon, which was excellent, he described this person who has been going to this club for chronic self improvement. It's kind of like Bally's. And this person is constantly trying to self improve and do things better, eat better, etc. but it's not really going anywhere. And then there's this place like Cheer's, like a bar where you are just accepted and everyone knows your name. Jesus is the bartender pouring out kindness and every so often giving a pearl of wisdom. He said "You need to spend more time at this place receiving the kindness of the Lord and less time at the club for chronic self improvement. Then he quoted Romans 2:4. It is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance. Yes, that would be me. I still was questioning it though given that you always want those things to be about you, but they aren't necessarily. Then he added "I feel like this person plays the guitar and the flute." This is becoming even more interesting. I don't actually play the guitar at the moment, but I feel like I can. I have had some dreams of playing the guitar really well. The kind of playing that requires a nice guitar and lots of time practicing. I've always been a woodwind / piano / voice sort of musician so I'm a little scared of trying to play stringed instruments. Namely, I've wanted to learn the guitar and cello. But I know the guitar comes first right now. But after having a couple dreams about the guitar I just asked God to confirm that it was from him in some obvious way. I never really talked about it, but I had the impression that it would be confirmed by Ken on the stage at the Vineyard. (I realize that's easy to say now.) I just had a quick vision of that happening. And I thought..."I don't know how that's going to happen in a discreet way, but okay. I'll pay attention if that happens and I'll know this dream is from you." (I have dreams about shopping a lot so I know you can't be too hung up on dreams) But back to my story: Sure enough, a couple months later or thereabouts, really not sure of the time frame, it was confirmed. So then I knew I needed to obey and go the prayer station. And probably learn the guitar too. So I went. I wouldn't tell the person, which happened to be Jeff Fant's mom, too much about anything other than that I am pretty sure I'm the person Ken was just talking about. This is what happened from what I can recall.
She prayed for a couple minutes and then she said I have lots of grief but it's buried. She didn't have words to describe it because it was so strong, but just wept and said the God is weeping over me. She asked if I knew what that grief was about and I said I wasn't sure. (It's buried for a reason, you know.) She had the sense that part of it is from not being accepted. She didn't understand, because I'm beautiful. Then she said that I've been given ashes, but God intended gold for me. I'm so sensitive so I've internalized these ashes as truth. These ashes represent curses spoken over me from family members or other people in authority. I need to rebuke the curses. I need to refuse to accept "ashes" any longer and accept it as truth. It's really interesting that it was phrased like that. I immediately thought of Cinderella, which is a classic tale, not just a Disney story. The name Cinderella means ashes in all the Indo-European and Anglo-Saxon languages: Cinderella, Cenerentola, Aschenputtel, Cendrillon, etc. They all mean ashes or cinders. I know it's kind of silly, but maybe it isn't. But I didn't bring that part up. Then, this next part was also interesting. I didn't even go in for prayer with this on my mind. She said you have a creative side and you aren't using it. God wants to use that for the kingdom, the secular world too, but for the kingdom. A lot of this grief is the fact that you aren't expressing your creative side. She asked what I like to do. I mentioned I like writing. There are other things too, but I just stuck with that for the moment. Then she was praying and asked if I write poetry. No. "Well, you should try." She was kind of assertive about that. She described this creativity like a river, but it's been all stopped up inside of me by lies and curses. So I just need to keep writing and eventually it will be the pure word of God. At first it will be mixed with the stuff that's stopping up the river. Funny thing is this all relates to the book I read toward the beginning of the year, The Artist's Way. I read it, but I haven't recovered. It's like a 12 step creativity recovery program. I know it works if you really go through with it. I think I made a little progress. It was especially helpful meeting on a regular basis with other women from the church. I also gave the book to a friend and she is making huge strides with her writing. She went from a copy editing job to freelance writing, which she always wanted to do, but was too scared. But I kind of put that and any thoughts of actually doing creative stuff on a shelf. I'm always telling myself that I'm not good enough to do that or I don't have anything important to say anyway. But it doesn't seem to stay on the shelf. Just as I'm thinking, okay I'm going to do something else or not do creative type stuff, God reminds me that it's important. I don't even know what that means for me. I feel so uninspired sometimes. But it struck me that she said possibly most of this buried grief is because I haven't been using my creativity and that God wants to use my skills and abilities for the kingdom. I honestly don't feel like I have skills or abilities most of the time. I often just feel tired.
People think that it's cool that I have a degree in art history. But what they don't quite understand is that I chose art history because it was about art but I didn't actually have to produce art. It's a critique, analysis and study of art, but not creative in itself. It's cerebral, not active. Always my problem. It was a way to be close to something I like, but to not actually have to face the fear of failing at making the real thing. Also, I thought if I actually did become an artist one day I should study all of the art that has come before so that I was sure not to repeat anything or do anything stupid. While some of this is good, it shows a lack of trust in my own ability. I do appreciate all that I learned about art and I don't regret it, especially my summer in Florence traveling from church to church and city to city to see all the Renaissance art in Italy, but I kind of always knew it was the easy thing to do. So yes, I can write papers and essays on cubism, post impressionism, post modernism, expressionism, futurism...all the isms. But it still leaves me trapped in my head with all the isms and theories on art and what defines good legitimate art versus kitschy rubbish. I am still very much opposed to kitschy rubbish art and have nearly violent reactions when I see bad art or someone with bad taste. I don't know if I'd consider myself a visual artist. I have moments of inspiration, but mostly I like words. I think...
This idea of grieving because you are prohibited from using your creative gifts also tied in with a film I had just watched a few days prior. The Lives of Others. I won't get too much into the plot, but it involved the artist community in East Berlin. The Stasi were closely monitoring everything they did, every play, every piece of writing to make sure it wasn't subversive. If the artists wouldn't play their game, they were black listed. Many artists in East Berlin committed suicide during this time because they weren't allowed to use their gifts. In one case, a corrupt Stasi guy threatened to black list the lead actress if she refused to become an informant on her lover, a famous playwright. She agonizes over this decision, but in the end she betrays her lover because she can't stand the thought of being black listed and not being an actress. In the end she is overcome with shame and kills herself for the betrayal. It's a very powerful film. The lead protagonist, a Stasi agent, goes through this amazing transformation during the film and experiences art and music for the first time.
Back to the prayer...
Recap: Less chronic self improvement. More kindness. Guitar. Flute. Buried, unspeakable Grief. Not being accepted. Very sensitive. Internalized the ashes as truth. Rebuke the ashes / curses / lies. God intends Gold. Creativity. Poetry / Writing. Stopped up river.
She also said I have the gift of prophecy. I kind of am aware of this, but it's mostly personal in nature. I often have an impression of a person before I meet them, sometimes years in advance. I think about 8 years in advance in a most notable instance. I have a vague impression of their outlines and a few details. Not the random people I meet, the more important relationships. Sometimes I have the sense of how long they will be in my life and then fade away. I might have the idea of a place I will work at. Or when I drove over the 35W bridge a month before it collapsed, I felt like I was falling when I drove over it. Random stuff. I do appreciate this. I usually have dreams about people to warn me just before a betrayal. But this is all personal stuff. I feel like the gift of prophecy should be for the church at large. She said that usually it starts on a personal level. And, I just want to add, I don't know everything that is going to happen in my life. That's crazy. Like I see to a certain point or some things, but then it's blocked. Not bad blocked, just not visible. Eclipsed by a bright light sort of thing. Or sometimes I forget all together that I had a vision of something happening but then the Holy Spirit reminds me when it's important. So yeah. I'm sure lots of people would think I'm crazy if I told them any of this. Also, it all becomes clouded if I get too caught up with earthly things.
And there is more: she said that she normally doesn't tell people this, but she told me to not listen to anyone. Not for a awhile. Maybe a few trusted and mature people, but don't listen to anyone else. I think she was referring to writing, but it might be about my dreams in general.
This was all good. Even the grief and ashes part, because at least it's being addressed. But I have to say that I was pretty overwhelmed. I found a Yamaha grand piano at Angela's friend's house that afternoon. I soooo love pianos and it was such a treat to play a Yamaha grand piano for a few minutes. A book of Disney songs just happened to be there. : ) I found that one classic one from Cinderella, A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes...sigh. I am thoroughly indoctrinated by Disney themes and music, as I've been to Disney World probably 7 times in my life time.
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true
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